Thursday, May 31, 2012

"Native American" Running For Senate

So Elizabeth Warren... ya. 

This lady decides to list herself as "Native American" to her employers. No biggie right? I have Native American friends and I assume they do also.

Funny thing is though, my friends don't look like this:

Warren and genealogical groups have not been able to provide documentation of her heritage. Warren says knowledge of her heritage was passed down to her through "family lore."
 Are you SERIOUS? REALLY?! You're a fucking professor at HARVARD LAW! How in the shi...

[pausing to break something]*

Ok. I feel better now. Alright lady, I get it, in the literal sense you and I are both "Native Americans" as we were both born in America, but come-the-fuck-on! You will NOT get my vote for Senate, mostly because I don't actually live** in Massachusetts,*** but either way fuck you.

*I was going to go in to a tangential rant on affirmative action but decided I didn't want to burst a vein at work.

**In my heart I do!

***I am so proud of myself for spelling that correctly the first time that I had to brag about it here.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Angry Memorial Day Rant

Today is Memorial Day, yet so many in our country haven't the faintest clue what that means other than it is a three day weekend. This in and of itself is disturbing, however, there is something I find far more offensive. There is an undercurrent of jackassery flowing throughout this nation, not dissimilar to the pink ooze flowing under New York City in Ghostbusters 2. On the surface there is the bright, shiny smile of patriotism (the Statue of Liberty), yet when you look inside, it is filled with the pink ooze of falsehood holding together the entire facade.

The particular jackassery I am speaking of: Thanking veterans on Memorial Day.

Memorial Day, originally Decoration Day, began sometime after the Civil War to remember those who died fighting in it. After World War 1 it became a day for remembrance for all people who died during a time of war in service to America. Post Vietnam the country became less enthusiastic about supporting the military and patriotism lost its appeal. In 1971 the day of remembrance was changed from May 30th to the last Monday in May to ensure a three day weekend. The following decades lacked a simple, definable enemy that had united America in almost all previous wars and Memorial Day started losing its meaning. Towards the end of the millennium the numbers of living veterans of the World Wars had dwindled significantly, leaving most of America to only think about them when reading a textbook or watching a movie. While many people still remembered why Memorial Day existed, its true meaning was preserved by few.


Muslim extremists gave America the enemy it needed to raise patriotism back to the virtue it was only couple generations prior. While many would argue the need or justification of the wars America was engaged in, support for the troops was almost a universal constant. On Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Patriot Day, the Fourth of July, etc... Americans would gather and rejoice at winning the birthplace lottery and thank those who helped supply them with the freedom and security they enjoyed every day.

Today, not even eleven years past, and already Americans have forgotten what Memorial Day is about. Over the last decade they've become practiced hands at faking their patriotism to a point that it's second nature to spew forth a meaningless "I thank the troops for their sacrifice" without even connecting it to any meaning whatsoever.

Six thousand four hundred and sixty one United States citizens have died fighting the War on Terror and yet today, on the one official day a year set aside to remember those brave souls who gave everything for us, people haven't a clue how it is different than any other day.

So today, when put on your red, white, and blue mask in an attempt to once again fool everyone into believing in your pretension, I am calling you out. You do not care about the troops and you certainly don't care about those who have given their life. If you truly did, you wouldn't be thanking a veteran, you'd be remembering the ones who didn't come home. You'd be comforting the families of those we've lost. You'd be understanding what the word memorial means.

R.I.P. You are gone, yet never forgotten.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Canada Is Stupid

A Canadian high schooler was recently suspended for a week for wearing a shirt deemed as "hate speech" and told if he wears it again he could be suspended for the rest of the school year.

Serious stuff right? What did his shirt say you are wondering? Was it Nazi propaganda? KKK? Maybe a picture of Mohammed being sodomized?
No, no, and I wish.

In fact the shirt said, "Life is wasted without Jesus."


Really Canada? REALLY?

I'm about as anti-religion as a guy can get (without going over the hump and making your dis-belief a religion in itself) and I think this is beyond absurd. If the kid was walking around with a bible and trying to force people to pray and telling people they will go to hell if they don't believe as he does or any other disruptive thing, sure, tell him to stop and if he doesn't, remove him. But a t-shirt? The distraction of the suspension is greater than the distraction created by him wearing the shirt!

For this act of stupidity I hearby sentence the entirety of Nova Scotia to spend one week in Quebec as punishment.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Today Junior Seau reportedly shot himself in the chest. He was 43 years old.

While everyone would agree this is sad; it has me debating myself. On one hand, suicide is never, never, never the answer. On the other hand, there is always, always, always an exception to every rule.

How do I know he wasn't suffering from incurable physical pain or unfixable, debilitating brain damage that made life unbearable? I am for assisted suicide for those who are suffering from a fatal disease or things of that nature. They have to live with the disease, it should be their choice if they wish to end it.

Then again, suicide is the most selfish act there is. Every single friend and family member immediately is struck with an emptiness that can not be filled. Sure, your torment, your pain, your sadness will be over, but you will cause that much pain and more to all of the people you care about most.

So... I guess if you want to kill yourself, go ahead as it's your life and it's your right. But just remember, if you don't at the very least try to get help first, you're just an asshole.

If you, or someone you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255