Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Open Letter To Anderson Cooper

This may not be fair to single out just Anderson Cooper, but unfortunately for him, it was his tweeting which stirred my ire. So, with that said I'd like to pen an open letter to Mr. Anderson Cooper and the rest of the news media. Fair warning, if you have sand in your vagina, I suggest you skip reading this letter as it may cause glass to form in a very uncomfortable way.

Dear Mr. Cooper,

Currently, "you" are tweeting "live" from New Orleans whilst you report on the incoming hurricane Isaac as you kindly showed us all via your Instagram.

Thanks man! It's important for me to know about a possible hurricane. Someone should tell that Google guy about it...

Holy FUCK! That Google guy already knows!!! Within five seconds I found an entire fucking site DEDICATED to telling me that there is a MOTHER FUCKING HURRICANE coming to New Orleans! It even updates to damn near real-time and is comprehensible to even the most basic of fucking mouth breathers.

This shit is AMAZING! If only we had known of this breakthrough fucking technology we might not have needed to send your fucking stupid ass to sit and wait for A GOD DAMNED FUCKING HURRICANE to hit!

How fucking LOW can the common god damned denominator get before we just say fuck it and collectively stick our dicks in a blender to make sure this fucking societal retardation isn't allowed to affect future generations?

This is a fucking picture FROM MARS!




WHY, oh fuck, WHY, would we need a silver haired fuckwit, or any other professional asshole,
standing in front of a fucking camera filming a fucking H.U.R.R.I.C.A.N.E.!!@!!@#!@!! as it comes

Anderson Cooper, I hope a fucking telephone pole impales you live on the air so the taint of your fucking idiocy can no longer be spread.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

RIP Neil Armstrong

An American hero has passed away today. Neil Armstrong, the first man on the Moon.
I was not yet born in 1969, but his achievement still holds dear to my heart.
Would that I could salute the flag that will no doubt drape this hero's coffin, to show my proper final respect. Alas, I am rather far away and even if not, in my mind it would be enough.
Tonight, as the Moon shines bright I shall salute the flag that you drove into the Moon and thank you not only as an American hero, but as a hero to all mankind.

Neil Alden Armstrong, 5 Aug 1930 - 25 Aug 2012

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Have I Finally Died Inside?


The above link is... well, it's something to be certain. I don't recall how it came across my desk but once I saw it my nose started bleeding a little bit.

From the website:
What it does:Add this targeted toning gel to your core-sculpting regimen of exercise and a healthy diet to obtain a covetable midriff. The treatment contains a powerful blend of six actives to assist in toning and firming: caffeine, amino acids, creatine, oat kernel extract, latex-rich manilkara tree extract, menthol, and a special botanical extract. The built-in nubbed applicator is designed to strategically massage the formula into your skin, ensuring you’re one step closer to ‘ab’-solutely amazing results.
Suggested Usage:-Place stick directly onto the skin, press down to dispense gel, and massage into midsection in a circular motion starting from your lower right side and up and over the belly button.
-Use twice a day for 20-30 seconds.
-Use in conjunction with regular exercise and a healthy diet.
-Apply before a workout.
-Place product in the fridge for a cooling sensation on the skin.

(^Truly there has never been a more apropos usage of the ellipsis.)

So, for $38 you can get 4.9 ounces of this FatGirlSixpack gel.

I'm not even sure where to go from here. They have a whole slew of "FatGirl" products to rub on yourself to, I guess, make you less fat, but I'm at a loss. I really am. I want to make fun of so many things, but I just can't. I'm too sad inside because this is actually a real thing that people actually bought.

Is this what it feels like to die inside?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Run, Hide, Fight?

With the two recent mass shootings (Aurora, Milwaukee) grabbing America's attention, the Mayor's Office in Houston decided to make public their PSA about an active shooter event (created prior to the recent shootings). It is titled, "Run. Hide. Fight. Surviving an active shooter event." If you haven't seen it yet, I give it to you here. It's six minutes, give it a watch.

The first thing you will probably see is that it seems irrelevant when put in the context of Aurora or Milwaukee, but if you look past that you can see that it is still applicable, if not exactly realistic.

However my main issue with it; that which is the most thorny to my oh so delicate sensibilities, is the order of their steps. I just can't comprehend how telling people to Run and/or Hide before even considering Fighting is smart. Without getting into every single possible scenario (which the general public can not realistically prepare for) I will argue that Fight should always be the first, not last, thought.

Let me define the variables I am using for my argument.

1) An active shooter(s) against a numerically superior group of random public.
2) Random public is not armed, nor significantly organized.
3) You as the individual for which this is aimed are not at this time directly being engaged by the shooter(s)

Situation: A shooter enters area A and starts shooting. You hear/see the gunfire and must react. This PSA would have you think that by Running or Hiding, you are saving your life and that is what is most important. I disagree. I think you should first assess your ability to Fight.

If you Run, you may save your life, but you do nothing to stop the event.

If you Hide you are once again doing nothing to stop the event.

If you Fight, you can make a difference. You can end it. You can save lives.

Fight is the only option which allows for the possibility of ending the event. Isn't that the end goal? Once the shooter is down, it stops being an active event and triage on victims can begin.

Now, before you jump down my throat and give me all sorts of reasons why I am wrong, let me reiterate my thought: Fight should be the first thing assessed. During your assessment you may find that Fighting is not a valid or reasonable solution to your situation, so you then would move on to Run or Hide in the same way that they would have you considering Fighting after you have considered Running or Hiding.

The simple reordering of these words, in my mind, makes a world of difference. You stop being just another panicking, delirious victim to embracing the part of evolution that is responsible for humanity being on top of the food chain.

Consider this: If everyone in the Aurora theater would've thought at first to charge the shooter as opposed to run or hide, do you think he would've been able to shoot almost 100 people? If there had been more of a Fight mentality on all four planes on September 11th, as opposed to just the one, how different would the world be today?

The sheep and wolves seem to reproduce at much greater rates than do the sheepdogs. For the survival of the herd, the mentality of the sheep must evolve and a PSA reinforcing flight before fight is exactly counter to that evolution.

Have you ever heard of a wolf attacking a group of sheepdogs?