Friday, February 24, 2012

ARRRRG! Re: Maryland

There I was, minding my own business perusing an article online ( when all of the sudden my mind once again was blown.

Maryland is the latest battleground for human rights. The Catholics Republicans don't want gay marriage. OK, that's pretty shitty (and also the subject of a future post) but then I got to this sentence:

Last year, Parrott, a Washington County Republican, successfully led a petition drive on a law granting in-state college tuition to illegal immigrants.
What the balls? You guys actually passed a law to give better college tuition to a criminal from another country over a law abiding American citizen who lives across the river?


Birth Control Addendum

As much as I think birth control isn't the responsibility of an insurance company to pay for (nor an employer or anyone else for that matter) it IS something that I as a tax paying citizen would be happy to see subsidized by the government so those people who maybe can't afford it, can still have it available to them.

Some of you may say "What the socialist hell is that about Sgt Awesome? I thought you were conservative?" to which I would be forced to reply with "Woah, woah WOAH! Watch your tone buddy." I think our social programs are WAY too overreaching and are broken and need a complete overhaul, but this is different. Allowing poor people access to a cheap/free pill in the end saves me not only money, but it helps create a better world too.

If you have not seen the movie Idiocracy, stop reading, go watch it and then come back. That will make my feelings much easier to explain. If you are lazy, I'll summarize it for you here.

Idiocracy: A man of average intelligence is brought to 500 (or was it 1000?) years in the future where because of a severe degredation of society, he is now the smartest person alive. This degredation is explained that because stupid poor people have a shit ton of babies (who go on to repeat the cycle) and smart rich people tend to have fewer (if any) babies (who go on to repeat the cycle) the intelligence of the world is quickly bred out of the human race. It's not a great movie, but it hits the truth so hard on the head that it's worth a watch.

In addition to preventing a bunch of babies being born (or aborted! Eh? Think of that Catholics?) it also helps prevent things like cervical cancer and ovarian cysts and terrorism. [Again, I have a penis, birth control is not my forte. You will not see me before Congress testifying on that which I, by merit of my birth, can't be a true expert on as I can have zero personal experience with it.] All of this saves me money by not having poor people with cancer getting chemo on my dime. Also terrorism is bad.

One last thing, many feminists (read: vaginal terrorists) claim that it is only fair that since insurance covers Viagra (which helps men get boners) it should also cover birth control. Ignoring the cost (because I don't know the cost of either) I will be forced to agree with the VTs on this one, however, for different reasons. The menstral crusaders argument is based on equality. If men get something for their penis, then women MUST get something for their vaginas. Everything MUST be equal! (I'll hit this in a future post) In addition to the above reasons for covering/subsidizing birth control, the last I checked Viagra and birth control are the same thing... a pill. If your insurance helps cover the cost of perscriptions, then both of them should be covered. And, as I said in my original rant on the birth control issue, if the law says you must provide insurance for your employees, it is not up to your belief system on what they use it for.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Birth Control... (Warning, I'm Not Happy)

Holy dick on a stick, seven States have filed suit against the Federal Government over them "forcing" religious institutions to provide birth control in their health care plans.

Ok, I need to take a second before my fucking head explodes...

Alright, let's try to rationalize first what is going on here. Our State Governments are suing our Federal Government over religion. WHAT in the FLYING FUCK happened to our First Amendment? Thou shalt not fuck with religion? The "Right" is claiming that Obama is breaking the First Amendment by forcing these institutions to do this. Um, wha? Is he coming to your house and shoving these "demon" pills down your daughter's throat? NO, he's saying that insurance companies have to provide equal mother fucking coverage to everyone. If you as a Catholic employer, are worried that your Catholic employee is not as Catholic as you would like him, isn't that YOUR mother fucking problem? Why the shit ass should the government give a frog's fuck as to who uses it or doesn't? All they are asking is that employers in America are fair and follow that one thing, what was it... oh ya, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 that says you can't fucking discriminate you ass fucks.

Here's our main problem. ALL religions are discriminatory, so if we allow true religious freedom, we can never be a country were every man is created equal. If we want to go that route, we need to equalize EVERY religion in the only way possible. Ignore them all 100%. Give them zero play. No more tax exemptions, no more anything. You need to wear a burka? Sorry, it's America, you respect AMERICA. Oh you don't like abortion? SORRY, it's FUCKING AMERICA and the Pope doesn't rule here.

Ugh, stepping back from the ledge...

Back to birth control! Why, oh fucking why, does it need to be covered by health insurance in the first place? I did a quick look online and it appears to cost no more than 300 bucks a YEAR. [note: I have a penis and have no first hand data on what it really costs] Does anyone understand what "insurance" means anymore? Does your car insurance cover tire rotating? Does your house insurance cover your cable bill? Why, in the almighty fuck, should a health insurance company, pay a fucking dime for birth control? I understand that there are medical reasons to take it other than just not getting preggers. I get that, and if you have bad periods or whatever and need it, sure, I can see that. But a blanket "everyone gets birth control covered" is ridiculous! [Second note: I will not go in to the retardedness of Obamacare and it actually being "free" as that will have me flying off the ledge]

[A full aside: I think the world is WAY over populated and full of piles of shit that should never reproduce in the first place, so I would be for putting birth control in the water supply... but again, not the point I'm making here]

In summation, a BIG fuck you to the Right for being religious pawns, and a BIG fuck you to the Left for being socialist hippies.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Good Guy... Charged With A Felony???

Quick summary: Joseph Hebert was going around breaking into houses, Dennis Flemming caught him in the act, shot his pistol into the ground and held him until police came. He then turned himself in to the police and was charged with a felony. No, you don't need to read that again, I wrote it correctly and you read it correctly. Dennis Flemming was charged with a felony for stopping a criminal.

The story can be read here:

Upon researching [wikipedia-ing] to see if New Hampshire has a Castle Law, it appears that they kind of sort of maybe do? I don't know. Legalese is too fucking convoluted for me to care. Last I checked our Second Amendment guaranteed us the right to bear arms which is all that matters to me. If you are a criminal and get caught in the act of doing criminal activity, fuck you. How hard is it for our police and law makers to figure out who the good guys are and who the bad guys are? Do we really need to debate this? The guy is a fucking career criminal who is lucky that it was Mr. Fleming who caught him and not me, because I'd have shot him in his criminal face.

I thank FSM every day that I live in a state where I don't have to worry about the legal repercussions of shooting someone who breaks in to my house. (An aside: I seem to recall something about duty to retreat being discussed a couple years ago, I have no idea if it passed and I don't care, I'll still shoot you.)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Altru Controversy

Recently Altru Health Systems in Grand Forks, ND swooped in at the last minute to buy out the new Doctor's Hospital before they were to open. There is much controversy surrounding the purchase and subsequent massive lay off of everyone and their brother. Until now it has only been rumor, but today The Awesome 8th brings you exclusive first hand footage of the carnage of last Friday. One brave soul had his cell phone on and running as an unidentified Altru executive brought the bad news to the employees of Doctor's Hospital.

Link to the video:

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Verizon Loves China!!!

Poker 101: A Dead Pot

Hello and welcome to Sgt Awesome's Poker 101.

Since newer players sometimes have issues following along with the math of poker, I've decided to illustrate a simple rule about dead pots in tournament play.

This is you and I after we both call someone who is all-in.

This is the person who is all-in.

This is what you become when you bluff in to a dead pot.

Any questions?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Star Wars 3D rant

Ah Star Wars. What can be said that hasn't been said before a million times? I, like many unfortunate souls, was born just a bit too late to be able to see the original movies in the theaters. I was forced to wait for them to show up on my stolen HBO and hit record on the VCR so I could finally have in my possession the greatest story ever told.
My childhood like many others' was filled with dreams of flying around in the Millennium Falcon and waving around a sword made of light that could cut through anything! The Force! I knew it wasn't real, but if I pretended just enough, it sure felt real.
And it was enough.

We had Star Wars, we had Indiana Jones, the Berlin wall fell and everything was good in the world. Then rumors started to circulate that maybe, just maybe, The Master might bless us with another 3 Star Wars movies! "FUCK YES!" childhood me said. Years went by and I mentally masturbated to the mere thought of NEW Star Wars movies coming out until it was announced that not only would EPISODE ONE(!!!!!) come out in 1999, but in 1997 he would re-release The Holy Trilogy back on the big screen! I could've lost my virginity in a Jenny McCarthy-Carmen Electra love sandwich and not been any happier. I was going to see STAR WARS in a theater!!!! What more could anyone (ANY-FUCKING-ONE MR. LUCAS!) want??

Well as we know Mr. Lucas had at some point during the early 90's been replaced with a fucking pod person, or an evil clone, or a big hairy bearded man who ate the original George Lucas. Either way, what we got was some fat hippie fuck who had in his mind to collectively ass rape the childhood memories of every kid born between 1960 and 1985. He had the power to do it too. He started right away with trying to tell us that Greedo not only shot first, but that he shot at all! The mother fucker got WAXED in the original, there was no "Oh, Han shot first" bullshit, there was just "Han fucked Greedo in the face with his blaster so he wouldn't get his ass stuck in carbonite." Pretty simple shit that he had to convert to some sort of hippie bullshit of "Well Greedo shot first and Han was only acting in self defense and also he has SICK fucking reflexes." Um, Mr. Lucas, it already WAS self defense. Being turned over to Jabba the fucking Hutt isn't exactly the same as going to Disneyland. You ever been fucked by a rancor? I thought not.
But, before I delve in to a rant about the aforementioned shitsaucing of one of the greatest scenes in Harrison Ford's illustrious career, I digress.

This was by no means the only change just the most noticeable. Most of us could choke it down for the moment as we were all still too wrapped up about Episode One coming out in 1999! Shit ya! It's going to have Jedi going around fucking shit up and all sorts of awesome shit! What's it called? The Phantom Menace? Hell YES! Sounds wicked!

To the best of my recollection this is what I was thinking during my first viewing of TPM:

-Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes THE CRAWL!!!
-Taxation huh? Whatever FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES
-Did that droid just try to be funny? Hmmm BZZZ BZZZ Oh shit big droid! FUCK YES
-I don't recall aliens talking this annoying. They sound retarded. (little did I know...)
-What in the monkey fuck. Yousa better fuckin die soon.
[mind slowly became numb with rage]
-He built C3PO?
[urge to kill rising]
-Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes
-Wow Anakin sure is fucking annoying for growing up to be such a bad ass.
-A "pod race"...
-That was fast...
[more rage and hate]
[plotting to assassinate George Lucas]
-R2 can fucking FLY? Why was he such a bitch in Dagobah then?? UGH!
-Gay ending, who cares, the next episode is the Clone Wars, it'll have like 50 Darth Mauls I bet!!!!

Oh George if only it had stopped there. You re-release The Holy Trilogy and fuck with it, THEN you give us a fucking BRUTAL prequel trilogy which is little more than a metaphor for you pulling down your pants and shitting on the chest of every single person that ever loved The Holy Trilogy.
In 2004 you RE-re-released the movies once again showing me that no matter how bad it gets, it can ALWAYS get fucking worse. At that point I was WISHING you would come by and shit on my chest as atleast I would feel a little warmth. You took my inner child and sent him to the prison that those kids in the movie Sleepers get sent to and you never let him out. After that it seemed like every few months you'd release a newer, shittier version of the movies until we finally got to the BluRay version that I refuse to even watch. Ewoks blinking? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Where is all this leading you may be asking by now. Well if you've made it this far it's because there is hate in your heart. It feels good. Embrace it. Let it flow through you. You know what I'm going to suggest, and even though a small part of you will fight it, you know it to be true.

You must boycott all the 3D movies coming out. Boycott anything and everything Star Wars. Fuck you Volkswagon, fuck you SWTOR the video game, fuck you all!
Some of you might say "Isn't that a bit harsh? I mean, if you don't like all the revisions you can just watch the original movies and be content."
Some of you might also be fucktards. Podperson Lucas has never, not ever never, never never ever never, released the original movies in any type of newer format.
You might say "but they were in the 2006 'special edition' DVDs." To which I would reply: In their old shitty fuck format!! He ripped the 1993 laserdisc master to re-re-re-(re-?)release the originals in a shitty, 4x3 garbage ass bag of fuckery. The Holy Trilogy it most certainly was NOT.
The mother fucker, who in 1988 said before CONGRESS (the worthless bunch of fucks THEY are) :

"American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history... In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten."
has continually raped and pillaged the joys of my childhood until I could take it no longer! DOWN with Lucas! 3D? Really? What are you going to do, make Han and Greedo "hug it out" and then lean towards the audience with a Pepsi in their hand? Go fuck yourself sir. Go fuck yourself in your big pasty ass until a bantha can fit up there. If I were president I would authorize DEVGRU to hit Skywalker Ranch and fucking whack you Osama style. No, I take that back, that'd be way too fucking nice for the shit you've pulled over the past couple decades. I would hook you up to all sorts of tubes to keep you alive, then smash your fat ass in to a 3x3x5 room with giant speakers and force you to listen to Jar Jar Binks narrate Jersey Shore 24/7/365 for the rest of eternity. Then I'd send DEVGRU to kill every person you've ever been close to. I would give Harrison Ford a pass, but he did Indy 4 so fuck him.

It's Valentine's Day... so what?

It's February 14th once again and everyone wants me to feel badly for not getting anything for my wife.
Deborrah here ( is a "dating expert" whose job is to give women dating advice. No really, someone pays her to spout this shit. Oh, and she's "Black." (I'm not sure why she insists on always capitalizing the word black. Apparently her daddy issues stem from the fact that he never taught her the rules of capitalization.)

Deb here says that Valentine's Day is a day where a man is supposed to show his woman that he loves her. She never mentions why it must be on this particular day of all the days, nor why it is so sacred amongst the womenfolk of the world, only that by kindergarten all women love this day and expect shit from men. Never does she catch on to the irony of calling men selfish in this instance.

Well babe, let me try to help you out a bit. Valentine's Day started a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far... er, Rome. It started in Rome. It was a Catholic feast day set aside to celebrate dudes named Valentine who died in the name of Catholicism. It was placed on Feb 14th to take over Lupercalia from the dirty Pagans who just never knew what was good for them. However, in 1969 even the Pope figured it was stupid and decided to remove it from Roman calendar. In the last 200-300 years it has slowly turned in to a day where people would give cards, and then gifts, to people they love. Why? So companies who make shit can sell their shit! (You've heard of the Industrial Revolution right?)

So should I get my wife flowers, or was it chocolate eggs? I sometimes mix up my Pagan holidays that were taken over by Christianity and then converted by companies like Hallmark to have no resemblance whatsoever to the original meaning of the holiday. What was this one about again? Oh ya, to "show my love." If we are in a happy, functioning relationship, shouldn't we show our love to each other every day? And if we must have one day out of the year to make extra special, why can't we choose it on our own? Why does it matter to you or anyone else when and how we celebrate our love? And when did this become a day where a man has to buy shit for "his woman"? When is the day that a woman buys shit for "her man" and shows him her special love? What if, and we're going to get crazy here, the couple consists of two same sex partners? Who buys who what?

I'm sorry (not really) that you're a sad, lonely woman who only finds solace in converting others to her angry feminist viewpoints. Not everyone else is a horrible person like you. Many women are actually great people who are able to have functional relationships with other people without their insecurities bogging them down and destroying the relationship. Many men find these women and are able to have wonderful relationships with them without having to adhere to your, or anyone elses' social constructs.

So while you are alone this Valentine's Day watching a Tyler Perry marathon on TBS stuffing your no doubt fat face full of fried chicken (that's not racist, it's alliteration), I'll be hanging out with my wife tonight, not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's a Tuesday and we enjoy each other's company.