Friday, March 30, 2012

FDA Gets Denied... By the FDA?

Once again, my mind is fucking blown.

Seriously, I just can't wrap my head around the absolute crapshack of utter fucktitude that this is.

The FDA, whose job it is to decide what food and drugs are legal in America, said it was cool to import sodium thiopental for use to sedate death row inmates right before we kill them. A man who raped and murdered a 13 year old lawyered up and decided to sue the FDA.

A Federal judge has decided that the child rapist and his peers were right. He told the FDA that they could not allow the import of this drug in to the United States because...

... the FDA hasn't approved it for use in America!!!

He said:
"The FDA appears to be simply wrapping itself in the flag of law enforcement discretion to justify its authority and masquerade an otherwise seemingly callous indifference to the health consequences of those imminently facing the executioner's needle. How utterly disappointing!" Leon wrote in his 23-page opinion.

Ok dickface, let's break down just this one small paragraph of what I am sure is a 23-page masterpiece of assfuckery.

Firstly, in what fucking world does the Food and Drug Administration need Law Enforcement's magical discretion-flag to make decisions on Food and motherfucking Drugs? That is their entire reason for being you buffoon! I mean, for Fraggle-Rock-sakes, you list their disapproval as as your reasoning that they shouldn't be doing it! That means you agree with their authority on the subject, jackass!

Secondly, I can barely read the next part of the sentence without trying to claw out my eyes. "Heath consequences of those imminently facing the executioner's needle." Really? Um, it's called death, that's kind of the trump of all health consequences. Let me rephrase that for you: "Falling off the Empire State Building would suck if you landed feet first. Can you imagine the pain of breaking your legs like that?"

In closing Mr. Leon:

I Can't Wait for California to Fall in the Ocean

Let's see... The LA Police Chief is telling LA cops to stop enforcing California state law because it could create potential additional burdens to federal law breakers.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Amazing Full Face Transplant

Not since John Travolta took Nicholas Cage's face to try and steal the Constitution of the United States so he could escape the murder plane that he was sent to after using his elite Ranger-ninja skills to kill a dude who looked at Olivia Newton-John wrong, have we seen such an amazing and extensive face transplant done on a human being.

The above gentleman, who is not John Travolta (as far as you and I know), suffered from a rare medical condition called Carboflorohopo Sourofaciatis (CFHS), or in layman terms 'bitter beer face'. Since this occured some time before Keystone beer began it's extensive Public Service Announcement campaign to raise awareness of CFHS in America, the funds were not in place for him to get a new face at the time.

Jump forward to 2012 and Keystone had finally sold enough beer to be able to hire a drunken Russian expat to do the surgery. Luckily for him (was it luck?), the Church of Scientology (I assume) jumped to the rescue and paid for Americans to do the surgery.

What you see above is the before-before, the before, and the after pictures and while it might not be as good as the aforementioned Cage-face switch, considering the underlying condition in this case, I'd say it's pretty damn amazing what these people were able to pull off.

Drink responsibly my friends.

Scarlett Johansson and the Great Injustice

According to the above article, the man who hacked in to Scarlett Johansson's email and shared her nude pictures with the world is NOT getting the Medal of Honor. In fact, he could face up to SIXTY YEARS IN JAIL!!!!!!!


This man should be immortalized with a 60 foot bronze statue of his head on Ryan Reynold's body. After humanity has destroyed itself, alien species should be able to come to Earth millenia from now and know of the service this man has done for us all.

I urge you all to write your congress representatives about this important matter!

Or share this a lot. That worked for that weird Kony2012 guy I guess.

The point is save... I dunno, the guy in the article whose name I already forgot.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pull Out of Citibank Now!!!

If you have an account at Citibank, I suggest you look elsewhere for a place to hold on to your hard earned money. Some AWOL jackass from the Army managed to get access to Paul Allen's (yes, that Paul Allen) bank account at Citibank (well, one of them).

Paul. Allen.

Not some regular joe like you or I that has a few grand in our account. A guy who Forbes estimates is worth 14+ billion! Also, this wasn't some hacker collective pulling off a huge swindle. It was literally a lone jackass who apparently made a couple phone calls and boom, was a billionaire.

What does he do first with his new found riches? Well he paid 700 dollars to one of his loans of course, because as we all know the first rule of stealing something is to immediately link it to yourself in an incredibly damning way.

I wish that was the most ridiculous thing with this story. Alas:
Surveillance footage also captured him attempting purchases at a video game store and a dollar store, authorities alleged.
He stole access to likely millions of dollars and he tries to buy VIDEO GAMES!

"Fuck yeah I can finally afford that 60 dollar video game and the dollar candy from the dollar store!" said the idiot right before Paul Allen's private army robot ninja assassins caught him.

[Note: Apparently Mr. Allen does not in fact have a private army of robot ninja assassins. I'm not sure what the hell the point of being a billionaire is without one.]

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Hunger Games Limerick

So someone named "Rue" is black,
Apparently this is way off track,
It says in the book,
Her skin: dark brown it does look,
So wait... what in the fricking frack?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Saints, Sanctions and Snitches, Oh My!

My awesome alliteration aside, unless you are currently living under a rock or are... well no, there is really no other excuse to not be aware of the most severe sanctions ever handed down by the NFL Commissioner. For the three of you who are unaware; the New Orleans Saints have been found guilty of running a "bounty program" for the last few years in which players would get paid extra money for injuring certain players on the opposing team. This being 100% counter to the goals of the NFL to promote player safety has caused Mr. Roger Goodell to, in layman's terms, "lay the dick down" on everyone involved.

While this will be dissected endlessly for literally years to come, there is one under appreciated aspect of the situation that really rubs my rump the wrong ray way. That would be the witch hunt for the alleged "snitch" [believed to be ex-Saints TE Jeremy Shockey].

First and foremost, this freaking investigation started in 2009, you know, when the Saints were very obviously gunning for people (Warner, Favre). So one individual in not responsible for this coming down.

Second, and infinitely more important than the first, a "snitch" by definition, can't be a snitch until someone else steps on their own dick. This mentality that you should stand by and watch people do immoral to illegal activities and not say anything is mind blowing. Do we as a society truly value tacit acceptance of illegality over someone giving a voice to integrity?

The "snitch" did nothing wrong, he was simply honest about others' indiscretions. These are values that should be held up and shown to children as examples how to act! Not spoken about with disdain and disgust in your voice (Talking to you Sapp!).

Let's say a woman is being mugged in an alley. Do you value the individuals who simply walk by and continue on their day, or the person who intervenes in the altercation? The answer is the intervener. He would be lauded as hero on the news for doing "the right thing." Yet for some reason, when it comes to "snitching" our views change. We no longer value doing the right thing. When did this happen? It certainly wasn't recently as I can recall as a child the term "tattletale" being negative even then.

I guess I don't have the answers as to why or when; only my supreme saddness at a society sickened by sycophancy run rampant.

Integrity, it's not a river in Egypt.(tm)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Artificial Heart Limerick

There once was a story of a heart,
It was artificial and wouldn't fall apart,
Isn't it neat?
You'll have no heartbeat,
Yet life in you it will impart.

[Very interesting read if you like technology and/or cardiac medicine!]

Monday, March 19, 2012

Blast the Past: Nintendo

In this new segment "Blast the Past" I will take a look back at the things I thought were cool when I was younger and give my updated "adult" perspective on them.
First up: This advertisement for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

I just can't believe this made it to publication. Did no one even look at this picture??

#1. Hey, no-soul, why are you looking at the side of the fracking TV? That's not where Mario is played.
#2. This poor bastard is probably doing the best acting job of them all. Glazed over eyes showing feigned interest in his children's activities whilst barely managing a smirk. Seems like how I remember my own father watching me play Nintendo as a child.
#3. Where in the bloody-nose-that-just-won't-stop are you looking at?? You are in a weird purple room with nothing in it but a stupid TV on a tiny table. Pay attention!! Also, what is with your smile? I went through and counted hands, no one there has a finger up your ass so tone it down about nine notches would ya?
#4. For some reason this smile just looks creepy to me. Almost sadistic.
#5. What the Jack Kevorkian is Mario doing? Don't do it man! You can jump over or even on the goombas, no need to jump back to the left, into the pit. To your death. Wait a second...
#6. Well we know it's not Ginger McGee here murdering Mario as he is actively pushing right on the d-pad. Wait, why are you pretending to play when it's not your turn? I guess at least you are pushing the proper button for jump...
#7. Hmm, you could potentially be pressing left on the d-pad, and you are also jumping like your step (or is it half?) brother... OK, we will throw you a bone and assume it is you murdering Mario as it helps explain #4.
#8. What the... why is the gun up here? There are only two plug-ins. You're just being stupid now.
#9. The fu... either the game isn't in or you own TWO Mario games. This family is getting on my nerves.
#10. THE POWER IS OFF?!? Does no one check thi... ARGFG!
#11. I've owned a multitude of NES's in my day and not a one has EVER been able to hide it's cables that well. You really expect me to believe that the power cord and that big ass stupid cable thing with the grey rectangle on it (not to mention the audio cables) is hidden neatly in that tiny space? Eat it Nintendo. You've lost me completely. You asshats have just dumped a bunch of crap on a desk, told four idiots to stand around it and snapped a picture. How lazy can you get??
#12. This doesn't pertain to the ridiculousness of the ad, but just kind of makes me laugh. Age 8. Isn't that cute? Kids are now born with an iPhone up their butt, but back in the day? Well this fancy shmancy stuff is probably best reserved for 8 and older.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Adam Savage + TED = Awesome

This short 8 minute video is a must watch.
It is brimming with awesomesauce so delectible, that its merest hint of a bug's whisper brings you to a whole new plateau of wonder and enchantment.

Alright, maybe I oversold it a bit, but if you don't watch it I feel compelled to threaten you with physical violence. For your own good.

Watch it.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Your "Rights"

I ranted for about an hour on this, but as it was almost entirely expletives, and it is something that I've wanted to write about for a while, I decided to delete it all and attempt to put forth my thoughts a little more... reasonably(?).
The extremists on the right are once again raising the ante in the game of "Which side can I hate more?"

To summarize the above link for those of you too lazy to read it yourselves, it basically says that the Arizona government will concede that yes, birth control has other uses, but if you want your employer to provide you with insurance that covers it, you must prove to your boss that you are using birth control for a medical reason other than responsible family planning.

So the Republicans, who I was under the impression were pro-small government, want to get all up in my bedroom. Their shining rationalization for such absurdity? Why the First Amendment of course.
It happens to say in relation to this topic:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof"

The second part is the particular section they are lifting up as the bastion of their defense. They claim that forcing an employer, who provides insurance for their employees, to provide it in a secular fashion, would be breaking the free exercise clause of the First Amendment.

At this point I will avoid all other aspects of the conversation that do not directly relate to the above argument in regards to the First Amendment as I have touched on the other parts of it in multiple other posts regarding the issue which you can find in the archive section of this blog. (Over that way I do believe ---------->)
I will just walk down their path of rationalization in an attempt to discover how they are coming to the conclusions they are coming to.

They say that they can't have their money go towards something that is against their religion because...

I'm done.

That is as far as I can get before I stumble face first over the hurdle of common sense. My mind is simply unable to overcome it. When I see a logical fallacy so obvious, I lack the ability to trick myself to just glaze over it.

The very first fault in their logic is the thought that our government should give a flying fractal about their religion in the first place. If you have a problem with your religion, pray about it, go cry to your priest, or whatever your church does. Making a law is counter to what our government's job is. As a matter of fact, I believe if you read the first sentence of the First Amendment of which you hold so dear, it states something to that effect.

You wish to argue that this law wouldn't be respecting "a" religion, but all religious beliefs? Well then what happens when two religions are at odds over a particular belief? Which side does the law take? It seems to me that we've hit a paradox. Also who gets to decide what a religion is? Need I have followers to have my beliefs be considered a religion? How many must I have? Would not the government deciding these things once again be counter to the First Amendment?

Secondly, we as a civilized society already restrict the exercise of religion. If your religious belief requires you to break a law (such as animal sacrifice, illegal drug use, polygamy, etc...) it is already prohibited or strictly monitored. I don't hear you crying foul for any of these other religious beliefs.

Lastly, the blatant irony of course is that the government is not in fact hindering you from exercising your religion. All it is doing is what it is supposed to: providing equal opportunity. Nowhere is the government forcing an individual to take birth control against their religious belief. It is just forcing employers to allow their employees to make their own choice on the matter. If they make the choice, well then the employer must pay what the insurance company requires them to pay, the same as they do for any other drug.

Now, many right wing nutjobs will not see these truths as self evident and will in fact argue until the cows come home that we are stomping all over their "right" to force their religious beliefs on others.
There is only one good way to deal with people like that, and you need only to study American history to discover it works quite well.

I call your First Amendment with my First Amendment, and I raise you my Second Amendment.

[Full aside: I hate it when people string bet, but in cases like the above, it's not poker and it clarifies it better so I have granted myself a temporary waiver to do it.]

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Celebrate Pi Day!

To celebrate Pi Day I encourage you to join a party.
What party you might ask? Well, the "I Know 3rd Grade Math" party.
It's fun! Not as fun as the "I Know 3rd Grade Grammar" party, but I'll invite you there later.
For now, I ask you to listen to this celebration of simple mathematics (or a commentary on the sad failings of the American educational system). It is roughly a half hour long and if you are like me, you will laugh out loud multiple times, but each time you will die just a little bit inside.
Afterwards you may ask "WTF does this have to do with pi?" To which I would reply "It's math fuckface, back off."

[Summary: It's 6 years old, so you may have heard it before. A man was quoted .002 cents per kB by Verizon and was charged .002 dollars per kB. He tries over and over again to try and teach multiple people at Verizon where they are screwing up and they fail over and over again to catch on. Yes, he does screw up his own math a few times but I will cut him some slack as it can be exceedingly frustrating trying to explain basic fundamentals to complete idiots.]

[Also, it is completely 100% work safe to listen to. It's not ME lighting up an idiot, it's a guy (with a remarkable amount of patience) talking to idiots whose job it is to be polite, so if you are at work, turn off your radio, fire this up and enjoy the ride and entertain your fellow workers too!]

Monday, March 12, 2012

Re: @Mr. Fischer

There was an article the other day that simply blew my mind. I will quote it in its entirety as the Herald website is garbage. Here is the link to it:

By Ronald Fischer

GRAND FORKS — In reading ultraliberal writer and political activist Nancy Cohen’s column, one would think that the creation of the birth-control pill was the best thing that ever happened in the world (“It all started with the pill,” Page A4, March 7).
Like most extreme liberals, Cohen offered misinformation and outright inaccuracies in her column. I will address the four most blatant.
** First, Cohen suggests that the pill and abortion were needed for gender equality, without explaining why a woman’s ability to have sex without accepting the natural consequences of that act — the possibility of becoming pregnant — in any way elevates the status of a woman.
I submit that woman, created last by God, rather than being inferior to man is the highest and best of all creation. She has the ability to conceive and bring forth new life, consistent with God’s command in the Bible to go forth, be fruitful and multiply.
By marketing the pill and making abortion legal, society actually degraded women and objectified them as sex objects. For people such as Cohen, it is as if engaging in sexual activity without consequence is the be-all and end-all of achieving equality with men. But take a look at the viral proliferation of pornography since the onset of the sexual revolution, and you will see just one of many examples of how rampant the degradation of women has become.
Sex without consequences has the end result of destroying — not building up — society.
** Second, Cohen says those opposing the sexual revolution (including aspects such as gay marriage and abortion) started as a tiny group of women who also were far-right Republicans and Protestant fundamentalists. She conveniently leaves out the Catholic Church, which always has opposed both artificial means of contraception and abortion.
Lest there be any doubt and as just one example, Herald readers should read Pope Paul VI’s encyclical Humanae Vitae (Of Human Life), which was issued in 1968.
** Third, without citing the source, Cohen states that a recent poll showed 63 percent favored insurance coverage for birth control. While that may be true, it misses the main point that a vast majority of Americans do not believe that the government should have the right to force an employer to provide such coverage against the employer’s First Amendment right to freedom of religion. In other words, that majority also opposes the Obama administration’s most recent attempts to severely restrict religious freedoms.
** Fourth, Cohen states that a solid majority of Americans support abortion rights and gay marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even in California, one of the most liberal states in the country, a majority voted in favor of a constitutional amendment keeping marriage as a union between a man and woman.
While some liberal courts and legislatures have created a “right” that has never existed before, whenever the issue has come up for a popular vote, Americans have soundly rejected it, clearly wishing marriage to stay as it was naturally intended.
And as far as abortion is concerned, the well-respected Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life has conducted many surveys and polls, which show that a vast majority of Americans either outright oppose abortion or favor placing restrictions on abortion, making them more difficult to obtain.
Cohen says those pushing the liberal sexual revolution agenda will not give up. That may be true. But neither will the majority of Americans who oppose the evils wrought by the sexual revolution give up.
We will continue to fight for morality based upon objective truth and natural law. We will continue to expose the ever-growing hazards (including cancer) to women from the pill.
We will continue to fight to uphold marriage as between a man and woman. And we will continue to oppose abortion because it involves the destruction of innocent human life.
As Mr. Fischer attempted to do to Ms. Cohen, I will in turn attempt to do to him.

He starts out immediately by painting Ms. Cohen as an "ultraliberal" and an extremist. I would at this point paint Mr. Fischer as an "ultraconservative" but as a conservative myself, I would be offended by such a remark. Instead I will just post this:

Since reasoning with an extremist of any flavor is an exercise in futility, I will instead just point out Mr. Fischer's own failings of logic to make myself feel better and then wash my hands of his lunacy.

**First, Ronald [can I call you Ronald? Or Ron? Ronnie? I'll stick with Ronald.] draws attention that women who have sex, have the possibility of becoming pregnant and apparently an attempt to remove that possibility is bad. He then submits his argument that... wait, what? The beginning of your argument is "The Bible says..."? Ron, buddy, you have to come out strong here. You are setting the tone for the rest of the article. Sigh... so, your argument is that the Bible says be fruitful and multiply yadda yadda, birth control will end society. Cool. Since my ears are bleeding from my mind trying to figure out how you passed the bar exam, I'm going to go forward pretending that entire section doesn't exist.

**Second, Ronald points out that Ms. Cohen forgot to mention the Catholics. So he points her towards some particular piece of dogma that he feels, I don't know, is magic? I'm not nearly as educated as Mr. Fischer so I'm not sure how what the Pope says does anything other than point out how poor his argument is so far... NEXT!

**Third, (and this one is my favorite) he criticizes Ms. Cohen for not providing a source for her statistics that he says are likely true, and then turns right around does the exact same thing whilst attacking the straw man of religious freedom. Really? REALLY? You are going to throw a flag for not citing her source of the poll she quoted, and then in the very next sentence claim to speak for the "vast majority of America"? Then you claim that we want religious freedom as though that is somehow related with allowing employees access to insurance coverage. Guy, no. No, no, no, NO!
You attempting to force your religious beliefs on others is NOT religious mother fucking freedom! That is called oppression you asshat!
Let me paint a picture for you to make it easier for you to not understand and continue to refute regardless of the undeniable truth presented before you.

I am an Employee. I am Religion X.
I work as a janitor at a School of Religion Y.
I get my health insurance through my work.
My daughter is Religion Z.
Too complicated? I lost you already? OK, I'll literally paint the picture for you then:

As you can clearly see, the first amendment in fact protects people from being oppressed by religion, not by allowing others to oppress because of their religion.

**Fourth, Mr. Cohen claims that the "liberal courts" are creating rights (gay marriage) that have never existed before and implies that since it gets rejected in a popular vote, it should remain as it is. I wonder if Mr. Cohen even read the words over after he typed them? Need I really list every single "right" that we now have that, when they were fought for, never existed? Ugh.
Finally he concludes by calling birth control, gay marriage and abortion "evil" which must be fought. (I am going to ignore the fact that he says birth control is hazardous the same way he ignores that it is helpful.)
Neil Patrick Harris marrying his boyfriend is evil.
A rape victim taking the morning after pill is evil.
Every Catholic who I've ever had sex with who used birth control (100% btw) is evil.
Well sip my tea, I had no idea this kind of thing was evil. Silly 'ole me I thought things like rape and murder and child molestation were evil. (Hmm, how many of the those has the Catholic church done in their name...? All? Oops! We'll ignore those facts!) I thought people like Saddam or Bin Laden or Hitler were the evil. Here it turns out I am surrounded by evil!
Oh, and all I have left for this gem: "Morality based on objective truth and natural law" is:
That's cute. [Full aside, I just looked him up, he's an ambulance chaser, go figure eh?]

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mario Portals?!

Yes, you heard that right. A completely built from scratch Super Mario Brothers that implements portal physics in to it's 2D awesomeness. If you are bored at work, this is guaranteed to kill some time!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Super Tuesday Limerick Twofer

"Here we are in the land of the free,
Set to vote for those in the G-O-P,
Unless you're a liberal,
In which case you'll giggle,
When someone votes for me."

-Rick Santorum

"Today I am hoping for drama,
For Repub's to be split by a comma,
I'd like everything free,
So that's why for me,
I am saving my vote for Obama!"

-Lazy, smelly hippies.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Limerick Tuesday is BACK!

You heard it right kids, the greatest day ever is coming back! Tell your friends, tell your kids, tell Jesus, tell everyone! Tomorrow will be the come-back of the day that will make your week that much better.
How it works: Post only in limerick form. (AABBA) Whether it be on Facebook or a blog or a memo to your employees, or in the comment section below the Offical Tuesday Awesome Limerick! It will make life that much more awesome and morale will be boosted by no less than 217% or your money back! Guaranteed! If you don't believe me, ask this little girl who I just told about Limerick Tuesday:

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Quran Burning

Today two more US Soldiers' deaths have been linked to the accidental burning of the Quran a couple weeks ago. (

At what point do we as Americans throw up our hands and just say "Fuck it" and just lay the dick down. Why are we concerned with winning the hearts and minds of savages still living in the 5th Century? These are the same mother fuckers that rioted world wide because a guy drew a cartoon. Can you honestly say that someone on this earth could draw a fucking cartoon that would so incise you that you would riot? These are the same mother fuckers who blow themselves up in crowds of innocent people and consider that a good thing. Can you imagine ever strapping a bomb to yourself and walking in to a crowd of people and blowing up? These are the same mother fuckers who stone their women to death for being the victim of rape. These are the same mother fuckers who will murder a man for being gay, but will fuck another guy just because it's Thursday. These are the same mother fuckers.... AHHHHHHHHH. It's just too fucking ridiculous! My DOGS are potty trained better than 95% of those fucks. Seriously! They aren't human and saying that they are is a fucking insult to humanity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all Muslims are bad. Just the ones that live in Africa, the Middle East, parts of Europe, parts of Southeast Asia, and parts of everywhere else in the world.

Remember those glorious days back, well, basically 60 years ago back to the beginning of fucking time, when a country could invade another country and claim that mother fucker for its own and no one would bitch about it? It's end correlates pretty closely to the founding of the UN, but that's a tangent I won't dive down right now. The point remains however that since that time, we've grown softer every single spin of the Earth and it is ending poorly for the good guys.  We're so soft in fact that our current President wanted to apologize to the people of Japan for nuking them and Japan told him to fuck off! (paraphrased)

I just... I get fucking sick to my stomach just thinking about this shit. We put our best and brightest (and some shitbags too) on the line every day by giving them impossible missions with impossible standards to meet and some of them come home draped in the flag and our government apologizes for it. Fuck. That. Bean bag rounds? How about you let that Ma Deuce do some talking the next time they want to riot outside a FOB. See how long that shit lasts.