Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Seattle's 12 Man In Action

Contrary to popular belief, the 12th man is not the crowd, but an actual player running around with Harry 

Potter's Cloak of Invisibility. Watch here as he sacks Rodgers.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Tragedy In Pakistan

This weekend a great tragedy has taken place. Abdullah Ismail was taken to a hospital and died of 

complications from inhaling a concentrated dose of intolerance from a burning American flag during a 

peaceful rally in Pakistan demanding respect and tolerance for Islam.

Their peaceful and tolerant demand of publicly hanging everyone involved in the production and release of 

the movie "Innocence of Muslims" is to be heard on the Senate floor tomorrow at noon but according to 

Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republicans plan to "filibuster the shit out of that" 

because "rabble rabble rabble Obama rabble rabble rabble."

President Obama responded swiftly and strongly by saying "this type of partisan shenanigans has no place in 

foreign policy" and has already sent flowers and a hand written apology to Mr. Ismail's family. He has vowed 

that if re-elected he will immediately push for the First Amendment of the United States Constitution to be 

rewritten to simply say "We're sorry."

Governor Romney's camp was quick to point out that "We are VERY sorry and we will make sure all of our 

flags are made at a much, much cheaper factory in China, but we'll charge double for them so it's cool."

If you're nervous about the new dangers presented by the civil unrest around the world, you can now feel 

safe in New York City as Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed the flying of the American flag anywhere within 

city limits for "The health and safety of any potential terrorists."

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Colorado Is Officially Now My Least Favorite State (Congrats New Jersey!)

8 year old Konner Vanetta was recently told by the Weld County School System that he was not allowed to wear Denver Bronco Quarterback Peyton Manning’s jersey to school because the number 18 is associated with gangs.

I say again, a third grader is not allowed to wear a football jersey to school because of a number on it.

When asked what other numbers the School System bans, they came up with “13, 14, 18, 31, 41, 81” because, well, I guess gangs are in to numerology?

There are so many fucktarded things going on here that I feel I need to break it down.

1)      You ban things that gangs wear to show their affiliation, presumably for some reason, not one of which I can muster up enough energy to give a shit thinking about.

WHY? If the gang members are all wearing shit that says “Hey, I’m in this gang!” wouldn’t it make it that much fucking easier to keep an eye on them and their illegal activities?

Also, where did MY rights (or Konner’s) go here? Right out the fucking window for no good reason.

2)      Numbers? Really? NUMBERS?

Do you also skim their math tests to make sure you avoid “gang related questions” such as “What is 9x9?”

3)      9x9 might actually be on his test… BECAUSE HE IS EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD!

If you think a third grader is in a gang, you’ve got bigger fucking problems to deal with than what he is or is not wearing to school on that particular day.

I am begging the entire school system of Weld County to please read David Carradine’s unreleased manifesto entitled: “How To Jerk Like A Boss” and follow the instructions.