Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Sgt Awesome's Movember NFL Thoughts

With Week 12 in the books we're in the home stretch and parents all over the Green Bay area will be thankful that Movember is coming to a close.

Do you know where your children are? Aaron does.

The NFC West. San Francisco and the mighty Colin Kaepernick while one of only three teams in the NFL to allow under 200 points in the first 11 games (Bears and Seahawks are the other two) have proven to be an incredibly poor "elite" team who will still walk their way in to a 3rd or 4th seed without issue. The Seachickens still have opportunity to sneak in to a Wild Card slot.

Atlanta I believe will clinch a playoff spot this weekend with a win and can clinch their division with a win and a Tampa Bay loss. This is no surprise to anyone, though like the other early season "hot" teams, Atlanta has fallen off the train lately. I have to give the Wild Card nod to the Muscle Hamster over the hapless 'Aints in the NFC South.

In the NFC North the Minnesota Vikings hold their fate in their hands. While they likely can't hop over both the Packers and the Bears to win the division, they can certainly slip in to a Wild Card with some quality play in the final five games. The Bears and Packers are competing to see not only who can win their division, but also to see who can get their quarterback beaten to death so they can be one and done in the playoffs.

The New York football Giants still hold the division lead, though with the most difficult schedule left in the NFC East and only a two game lead, there is still plenty of time for New Jersey to be calling for Coughlin to be fired. Whomever has RG3 on their fantasy team should win their league. With all four teams playing this Sunday and Monday night, I anticipate not giving a shit about football after Redzone goes off air.

With a win, Forehead and the Donkeys will clinch the AFC West and cruise to a great record care of their pathetic remaining schedule. I refuse to acknowledge the rest of this division exists. (Kansas City, really? How do you still have a team??)

In the AFC South the Houston Texans have been tripping themselves up (well, not Andre Johnson) over and over again yet still hold a three game lead over the Colts whom they have yet to even play. The Texans are one of only four teams in the NFL who have scored more than 100 points than they've allowed. (Texans 116, Bears 102, Niners 129, Patriots 163) The Colts meanwhile have allowed 43 more points to be scored on them then they've scored. LUCK-ily for the Colts, the only teams with better records than them in the AFC right now are the division leaders.

The Baltimore Ravens can clinch the South with a win over the Steelers this week (securing the head to head tiebreaker. They already hold the division record tie breaker against the Bengals.) The Steelers, once looking to take back the division at midseason, have dealt with a slew on injuries that have placed them back into the midden heap of mediocrity. Their week 16 meeting with the Bengals will likely decided which of them will grab a Wild Card spot.

The AFC East can also be clinched this weekend with a Patriots win over the Dolphins. The Dolphins meanwhile, must win the game if they wish to keep their Wild Card hopes alive. Tom Brady is silently putting together another MVP season leading arguably the NFL's best team into the final stretch of the season. No matter the injury it seems that the Patriots are able to overcome them all with a vacuum-like defense and an offense on pace to break NFL records.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sgt Awesome's Mid-season NFL Report

What a difference quality refereeing can make! We're half way through the 2012 NFL season and the picture is beginning to become a little more clear.

The NFC West maintains its defensive dominance with an average of less than 18 points against as a division (New England dropping 45 on the Rams in London this weekend included!) The San Francisco 49ers have proven mortal, yet will still walk away with the division comfortably on the strength of their #1 defense.

Likewise, the NFC South is a runaway with the Falcons as the last undefeated team in the league. The Saints despite being the 6th highest scoring team in the league, have managed only two wins which is unsurprising when you see that only the Bills and Titans have allowed more points per game. And while Josh Freeman occasionally teases Tampa Bay fans with hope, the same can not be said for Cam Newton who is following up his impressive rookie campaign with what can only be described as "poopy crappy poop."

The NFC North continues to be one of the most competitive divisions in the league, despite the Lions' Megatron putting up Starscream-like stats. The Vikings and Packers head in to Week 9 with five wins each on the backs of Adrian Peterson and Aaron Rodgers respectively while the Bears maintain the division lead riding a crazy hot defense.

The New York football Giants have created some breathing room for themselves, however with their two losses coming from within the division, and the pathetic maelstrom of ass that is the NFC East, it wouldn't surprise me to see the Cowboys or Eagles managing to force the division championship until Week 17. I still don't buy an RG3-led Redskins team accomplishing much this year with that horrible, horrible defense.

Surprise surprise, the AFC West is still a joke, though with the Broncos' only losses coming against the Texans, the Falcons and the Patriots, they should still clinch the division handily. Antonio Gates is still a fucking fantasy football nightmare and I just wish he would die in a fire retire.

Houston was given a taste of humble pie by the Packers in Week 6 and decided to pass it on to Baltimore in Week 7. I am drooling looking towards the Week 9 match up against the Bills where Adrian Foster should score me close to a billion fantasy points. Despite the Colts being above .500, I don't see them being able to grab a Wild Card spot this year without some significantly improved defense.

The Bengals, being the nice team they are, even allowed the Browns to get a win on them this year proving once again that gingers have no souls. The Ravens depleted defense should allow the Steelers to come back and take the AFC North, though I still give the Ravens an easy Wild Card spot.

The Patriots, dealing with significant injuries all over the field are still managing to lead the league in points scored, yards gained, turn over differential and rushing touchdowns. With two of their losses coming out of conference, they should still be contending for a first round bye come playoff time. The Jets, while able to lay some serious wood on the 49ers, remain a hot mess of New Jersey sewage and will be competing with the Bills all year for the AFC East bottom dweller award. The Dolphins' only bad loss was to the Texans and if they can go 5-4 on the 2nd half of the schedule I could see them sneaking into the playoffs at 9-7.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Horses And Bayonets And Context, Oh My!

It's nearing the end of the latest election cycle and until now I've been able to maintain my cool by letting my anger out 140 characters at a time, but today a bayonet finally broke this horse's back.

Politicians and partisan media hacks for months have been grabbing out of context soundbites and running wild with them and that is nothing new; my problem is that the pathetically uninformed voter then goes out and spews out false aural sewage as though it was stone writ upon Mount Sinai and they themselves were there to witness the burning bush. Are we all just that fucking stupid?

From Big Bird to women in binders and not optimal to horses and bayonets, the Presidential candidates have both been attacked continually for the words they've spoken, though almost never with the original context intact.

When Mitt Romney said he loved Big Bird, but would cut PBS, he was simply trying to put forth his fiscally conservative vision for America. He was not trying to say PBS or Big Bird are the devil. When Mitt said he was handed binders full of women, he didn't mean he was literally handed a harem of women inside a magic box that would burst out if he merely rubbed the book properly. CNN, MSNBC, and other left wingnuts grabbed at these "gaffs" and attempted to paint a picture to sway the uninformed idiot from voting for Romney.

Likewise, Fox and other right wingnuts completely ignored the question Jon Stewart asked just prior, and also the way in which the President spoke his answer during not-optimal-gate. Instead, they tried to portray Obama as an uncaring, callous Commander in Chief to whom the lives of the fine people serving this country are nothing more than statistics.

Finally in last night's debate on foreign policy, Obama called Mitt out on his remark about the Navy. He said and I quoth:

"You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916, well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military's changed."

I won't go in to the fact that VP candidate Paul Ryan voted for the bill set to force the DOD budget cuts which Governor Romney attempted to blame President Obama for, instead I will simply focus on the context of the President's statement and how it is being completely ignored.

He was using the tool of analogy to explain that trying to compare uncontextualized numbers of ships in the Navy from a century ago to today is foolish. To spell it out for the slow: our military fields far less horses and bayonets today than compared to the military of 1916, yet we are still the premiere fighting force on this planet. Technology has advanced drastically since 1916 and simple numbers cannot be used alone to tell the story.

We've got more Naval power than the rest of the world combined. We've got more Air power than the rest of the world combined. We have so much technological superiority compared to today's enemies, that we don't need sheer numbers to maintain the status quo. It is intellectually insulting to think we need more ships than we had in 1916 to maintain our role as World Super Power. We've got flying fucking robots that can circumvent the world multiple times whilst dropping a whole fuck-ton of pain anyone we so deem as needing to feel it. Does this not count? Can we not shoot missiles or drop bombs over bodies of water?

Also, many people have decided that even though President Obama said fewer in his statement, what he really meant was none and that he was completely oblivious to our use of horses during the beginning of the Afghan War or that there are still a bayonet or two laying around that he is equally unaware of. This is fucking retarded. Do we not teach people how to comprehend analogies anymore or was my original premise correct in that everyone is a fucking moron, only able to parrot weakly the biased falsities given to them via the media.

It all leaves me frustrated and with only one, simple question that I will leave you with:

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sgt Awesome's 1st Quarter NFL Thoughts

With Week Four of the NFL season nearly in the bag, a few thoughts floating in my mind:

What is going on in the South? The question isn't who will win the divisions, but which team (Atlanta/Houston) will clinch their division first. Will we see a division clinched before Thanksgiving?? What a pathetic joke those divisions seem to be. With Peyton and Payton gone, the competitiveness of those divisions is completely gone. Sure, Carolina made Atlanta earn their latest win but really? No question in my mind who owns the NFC South.

Houston is good. Scary good. They are hands down the best team in the NFL right now and they're probably in the weakest division. Their Week 14 meeting with New England will likely determine the one and two seeds in the AFC.

Holy defense Batman! The NFC West as a whole allows 17.2 points per game; 15.3 if you take the hapless Rams out of the equation. Only one team (Houston) has allowed less points per game (14) than the top three teams in the NFC West. I still have San Fran as the favorite to win the division, but they've yet to play a divisional game.

The NFC East is a joke as usual. The Eagles gave up the ball 9 times in their first 3 games, they have scored zero special teams touchdowns, and yet by taking the ball away seven times they've somehow managed to get a 3-1 record while posting a -17 point differential. RG3 has made the Redskins a slightly less horrible team to watch, and the Cowboys and Giants are the typical up and down catastrophes that their seasons tend to epitomize.

And four games in, your Christian Ponder led Minnesota Vikings could potentially hold a two game lead on the division if Chicago loses tonight. I think last year's Week 17 game between the Packers and the Lions foreshadowed a falling off for both teams. There is only so long Aaron Rodgers can carry 52 people on his back before he starts to get tired and the Lions... they're just a pitiful mess.The Titans dropped 44 on them! I still see Green Bay winning the division, but maybe the Vikings sneak in and steal the Bears' preseason predicted Wild Card spot.

If Week 1 is any indication, Cincinnati will not be competing with the Ravens for the AFC North title this year. Pittsburgh will go .500 and with the great amount of parity in the NFL this year, Cleveland should lock up the #1 pick pretty early.

The AFC West still belongs to the Broncos and Peyton; their two losses coming against the top two teams in the NFL right now. Next week's game against the Patriots will show whether they are ready to be a legit AFC contender, or just another pathetic team that gets in to the playoffs because someone from the division has to.

The Patriots are the highest scoring offense in the league yet are only at .500 Their preseason "easiest" schedule looks a lot harder when you consider how talented the NFC West is defensively. Luckily, the AFC East is a division filled with bottom dwellers this year. The massive midseason Tebow explosion that will erupt from New Jersey this year will be fucking epic. EPIC!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Seattle's 12 Man In Action

Contrary to popular belief, the 12th man is not the crowd, but an actual player running around with Harry 

Potter's Cloak of Invisibility. Watch here as he sacks Rodgers.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Tragedy In Pakistan

This weekend a great tragedy has taken place. Abdullah Ismail was taken to a hospital and died of 

complications from inhaling a concentrated dose of intolerance from a burning American flag during a 

peaceful rally in Pakistan demanding respect and tolerance for Islam.

Their peaceful and tolerant demand of publicly hanging everyone involved in the production and release of 

the movie "Innocence of Muslims" is to be heard on the Senate floor tomorrow at noon but according to 

Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republicans plan to "filibuster the shit out of that" 

because "rabble rabble rabble Obama rabble rabble rabble."

President Obama responded swiftly and strongly by saying "this type of partisan shenanigans has no place in 

foreign policy" and has already sent flowers and a hand written apology to Mr. Ismail's family. He has vowed 

that if re-elected he will immediately push for the First Amendment of the United States Constitution to be 

rewritten to simply say "We're sorry."

Governor Romney's camp was quick to point out that "We are VERY sorry and we will make sure all of our 

flags are made at a much, much cheaper factory in China, but we'll charge double for them so it's cool."

If you're nervous about the new dangers presented by the civil unrest around the world, you can now feel 

safe in New York City as Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed the flying of the American flag anywhere within 

city limits for "The health and safety of any potential terrorists."

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Colorado Is Officially Now My Least Favorite State (Congrats New Jersey!)

8 year old Konner Vanetta was recently told by the Weld County School System that he was not allowed to wear Denver Bronco Quarterback Peyton Manning’s jersey to school because the number 18 is associated with gangs.

I say again, a third grader is not allowed to wear a football jersey to school because of a number on it.

When asked what other numbers the School System bans, they came up with “13, 14, 18, 31, 41, 81” because, well, I guess gangs are in to numerology?

There are so many fucktarded things going on here that I feel I need to break it down.

1)      You ban things that gangs wear to show their affiliation, presumably for some reason, not one of which I can muster up enough energy to give a shit thinking about.

WHY? If the gang members are all wearing shit that says “Hey, I’m in this gang!” wouldn’t it make it that much fucking easier to keep an eye on them and their illegal activities?

Also, where did MY rights (or Konner’s) go here? Right out the fucking window for no good reason.

2)      Numbers? Really? NUMBERS?

Do you also skim their math tests to make sure you avoid “gang related questions” such as “What is 9x9?”

3)      9x9 might actually be on his test… BECAUSE HE IS EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD!

If you think a third grader is in a gang, you’ve got bigger fucking problems to deal with than what he is or is not wearing to school on that particular day.

I am begging the entire school system of Weld County to please read David Carradine’s unreleased manifesto entitled: “How To Jerk Like A Boss” and follow the instructions.




Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Open Letter To Anderson Cooper

This may not be fair to single out just Anderson Cooper, but unfortunately for him, it was his tweeting which stirred my ire. So, with that said I'd like to pen an open letter to Mr. Anderson Cooper and the rest of the news media. Fair warning, if you have sand in your vagina, I suggest you skip reading this letter as it may cause glass to form in a very uncomfortable way.

Dear Mr. Cooper,

Currently, "you" are tweeting "live" from New Orleans whilst you report on the incoming hurricane Isaac as you kindly showed us all via your Instagram.

Thanks man! It's important for me to know about a possible hurricane. Someone should tell that Google guy about it...

Holy FUCK! That Google guy already knows!!! Within five seconds I found an entire fucking site DEDICATED to telling me that there is a MOTHER FUCKING HURRICANE coming to New Orleans! It even updates to damn near real-time and is comprehensible to even the most basic of fucking mouth breathers.

This shit is AMAZING! If only we had known of this breakthrough fucking technology we might not have needed to send your fucking stupid ass to sit and wait for A GOD DAMNED FUCKING HURRICANE to hit!

How fucking LOW can the common god damned denominator get before we just say fuck it and collectively stick our dicks in a blender to make sure this fucking societal retardation isn't allowed to affect future generations?

This is a fucking picture FROM MARS!




WHY, oh fuck, WHY, would we need a silver haired fuckwit, or any other professional asshole,
standing in front of a fucking camera filming a fucking H.U.R.R.I.C.A.N.E.!!@!!@#!@!! as it comes

Anderson Cooper, I hope a fucking telephone pole impales you live on the air so the taint of your fucking idiocy can no longer be spread.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

RIP Neil Armstrong

An American hero has passed away today. Neil Armstrong, the first man on the Moon.
I was not yet born in 1969, but his achievement still holds dear to my heart.
Would that I could salute the flag that will no doubt drape this hero's coffin, to show my proper final respect. Alas, I am rather far away and even if not, in my mind it would be enough.
Tonight, as the Moon shines bright I shall salute the flag that you drove into the Moon and thank you not only as an American hero, but as a hero to all mankind.

Neil Alden Armstrong, 5 Aug 1930 - 25 Aug 2012

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Have I Finally Died Inside?


The above link is... well, it's something to be certain. I don't recall how it came across my desk but once I saw it my nose started bleeding a little bit.

From the website:
What it does:Add this targeted toning gel to your core-sculpting regimen of exercise and a healthy diet to obtain a covetable midriff. The treatment contains a powerful blend of six actives to assist in toning and firming: caffeine, amino acids, creatine, oat kernel extract, latex-rich manilkara tree extract, menthol, and a special botanical extract. The built-in nubbed applicator is designed to strategically massage the formula into your skin, ensuring you’re one step closer to ‘ab’-solutely amazing results.
Suggested Usage:-Place stick directly onto the skin, press down to dispense gel, and massage into midsection in a circular motion starting from your lower right side and up and over the belly button.
-Use twice a day for 20-30 seconds.
-Use in conjunction with regular exercise and a healthy diet.
-Apply before a workout.
-Place product in the fridge for a cooling sensation on the skin.

(^Truly there has never been a more apropos usage of the ellipsis.)

So, for $38 you can get 4.9 ounces of this FatGirlSixpack gel.

I'm not even sure where to go from here. They have a whole slew of "FatGirl" products to rub on yourself to, I guess, make you less fat, but I'm at a loss. I really am. I want to make fun of so many things, but I just can't. I'm too sad inside because this is actually a real thing that people actually bought.

Is this what it feels like to die inside?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Run, Hide, Fight?

With the two recent mass shootings (Aurora, Milwaukee) grabbing America's attention, the Mayor's Office in Houston decided to make public their PSA about an active shooter event (created prior to the recent shootings). It is titled, "Run. Hide. Fight. Surviving an active shooter event." If you haven't seen it yet, I give it to you here. It's six minutes, give it a watch.

The first thing you will probably see is that it seems irrelevant when put in the context of Aurora or Milwaukee, but if you look past that you can see that it is still applicable, if not exactly realistic.

However my main issue with it; that which is the most thorny to my oh so delicate sensibilities, is the order of their steps. I just can't comprehend how telling people to Run and/or Hide before even considering Fighting is smart. Without getting into every single possible scenario (which the general public can not realistically prepare for) I will argue that Fight should always be the first, not last, thought.

Let me define the variables I am using for my argument.

1) An active shooter(s) against a numerically superior group of random public.
2) Random public is not armed, nor significantly organized.
3) You as the individual for which this is aimed are not at this time directly being engaged by the shooter(s)

Situation: A shooter enters area A and starts shooting. You hear/see the gunfire and must react. This PSA would have you think that by Running or Hiding, you are saving your life and that is what is most important. I disagree. I think you should first assess your ability to Fight.

If you Run, you may save your life, but you do nothing to stop the event.

If you Hide you are once again doing nothing to stop the event.

If you Fight, you can make a difference. You can end it. You can save lives.

Fight is the only option which allows for the possibility of ending the event. Isn't that the end goal? Once the shooter is down, it stops being an active event and triage on victims can begin.

Now, before you jump down my throat and give me all sorts of reasons why I am wrong, let me reiterate my thought: Fight should be the first thing assessed. During your assessment you may find that Fighting is not a valid or reasonable solution to your situation, so you then would move on to Run or Hide in the same way that they would have you considering Fighting after you have considered Running or Hiding.

The simple reordering of these words, in my mind, makes a world of difference. You stop being just another panicking, delirious victim to embracing the part of evolution that is responsible for humanity being on top of the food chain.

Consider this: If everyone in the Aurora theater would've thought at first to charge the shooter as opposed to run or hide, do you think he would've been able to shoot almost 100 people? If there had been more of a Fight mentality on all four planes on September 11th, as opposed to just the one, how different would the world be today?

The sheep and wolves seem to reproduce at much greater rates than do the sheepdogs. For the survival of the herd, the mentality of the sheep must evolve and a PSA reinforcing flight before fight is exactly counter to that evolution.

Have you ever heard of a wolf attacking a group of sheepdogs?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Emperor's New Gun

As a true red blooded American I touched my first gun at a very young age. I think I was in maybe first or second grade when I stumbled upon my father's rifles. I was perplexed somewhat as he never hunted or went shooting and I had no idea they existed until that day. Turns out they were his fathers (or something?) I'm not really sure at this point, I only saw them once or twice afterwards. I'm almost positive he hasn't shot them in my lifetime. Unfortunately, that was pretty much it for my experience with guns until I joined the military.

Fast forward a few years (ok, more than a few!) and here I am today owning a whopping one rifle... which I've never even fired. I know what you're thinking because I think it every day. I fail epically at life. And you're right, I do! I don't hunt so I don't have that excuse to shoot, and I guess I'm kind of lazy about it too. I really enjoy shooting, and I'm not bad at it, I just never do it.

With the shooting in Aurora Colorado being used as the latest politically convenient excuse to bolster the schism in America, I figured I needed a new gun. I had actually been thinking I need to get a pistol for a few years, but a well-armed and unnamed cousin of mine allowed my wife to borrow a pistol while I was away and I just haven't really gotten around to actually getting one. Well, I finally got off my butt, grabbed a gun-nut buddy and went out during lunch with only one goal: To get a pistol!

I had looked at a few the day before and I had somewhat of an idea of what I wanted. I ended up getting a Springfield Armory XDM 45ACP Compact 3.8 which means exactly what you think it means. It shoots bullets. It also is not too small and not too large and with the extended magazine with the grip-flush-maker-thing, it is plenty comfortable to hold. If I want to use it for carry purposes, it's not so big that it is uncomfortable or overly conspicuous. Being able to drop the magazine from either side is nice and if I want to add a light to the end, my finger can reach it with ease without changing my grip.

Unfortunately it seems like I won't get to shoot her until I get home from Virginia, but I guess until then I can cut a gun shaped hole into my hardcover copy of A Dance With Dragons and fit it in there!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Colorado Shooting

I awoke this morning and everything felt like any other day. I showered, dressed, and went to work. I updated a spreadsheet and sent it out.

I then hopped on Twitter.

My stomach dropped and my heart jumped to my throat.

I became numb.

I struggled to grasp properly what I was reading. I jumped on Google to find more.

I read story after story of the events that happened just a few hours ago. A gunman walked in to a movie theater during a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, threw smoke/tear gas and opened up with an assault rifle in to the crowd of random, innocent movie goers just excited to see the movie. Excitement may have been the last thing at least 12 of those people felt before the candle of their life was blown out by some... asshole.

Asshole is far too good of a word to describe what this person truly is, but at this point I still lack the mental facility to properly describe him.

I am numb.

I went back on Twitter and saw someone post that they lost their friend, Jessica Redfield to the shooter last night. He linked to her Twitter account and when you click her name you can see that her last tweet was about giving her friend crap about not going to a midnight showing. Her final exclamation: "THE MOVIE DOESN'T START FOR 20 MINUTES" https://twitter.com/JessicaRedfield ).

I can't comprehend what her family and friends think when they see that.

I (as far as I know) know no one that was there last night, yet it's such an insane, unimaginable act, it still grabs me by the throat and doesn't let me go. There was a 3 month old who got shot. I try my best to turn my mind towards why a 3 month old was at a midnight movie; to get back to my sarcastic, offensive wit, but I can't. I want to, if only so I can get the gears of my mind turning, but they are stuck.

I want to know. I want to know why. I need to know why. I keep thinking about what the family and friends must be going through. My mind is continuing in a circle, unable to escape. These people were just going out to see a movie. They weren't Soldiers on patrol in Afghanistan looking for bad guys. They weren't police going through a neighborhood looking for a suspect. They weren't even mall security guards making sure no one stole panties from Victoria's Secret. These were just everyday people looking to be entertained for a couple hours and now they are gone.

I am not a theist, so it would be patronizing to say my prayers are with these people, and even if I could, it would grant them little solace. There truly is no magic grease that will help these people move on from this tragedy. All I can offer is my sincere feeling of shared shock and sadness, and promise that with time, the pain will fade and the memories lose their sting.

Hopefully one day, they will at least be able to feel numb.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

French - Unbelievable


^Read that. Seriously. The French are not only not surrendering, they are actually striking first at the most serious threat to the world since zombie Hitler attacked in 1954 (You didn't think Vietnam was just about communism did you? Rube).

Many people in the media are coming down on the Frenchmen involved but I needs must defend these heroes and their swift action. How many of you would engage a Borg drone in unarmed combat? Very few I  would think! Not only that, but these brave Frenchmen defended humanity on American soil! It wasn't even their jurisdiction, yet they didn't hesitate to do the right thing.

Just say NO to assimilation.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Marine Professor Punch

The above image has passed around emails, Facebook, and Twitter for probably close to a decade in one form or another, and likely for longer than even that.

I feel the need to blog about it for multiple reasons, the most glaring is that it is obviously 100% bullshit. If you repost shit like this, I almost universally would love to punch you in the throat. It takes five fucking seconds to check shit out on Google to see if it's real, don't be a fucking retard.

Anyway, on towards my true beef. The message that this shit sends is about as anti-American as a person can get. People tend to see the buzz words and just assume it is meant to be a patriotic flag-waving which is exactly what this is not.

There are a couple of significant buzz words: (not counting Marine, Iraq and Afghanistan) atheist and ACLU.

These two terms are meant to grab you and separate you. They are used in a way to say that being a patriot and supporting the military means that you must be against atheists and the ACLU.

First, the second buzz word: the ACLU. I agree with you, they are douchebags of the highest order, however, they in their own way are looking out for American's best interest. Past that I can't defend them without puking a little in my mouth. (I admit my bias here).

Atheist is the first buzz word mentioned. It is meant to grab you in the same way. Many of us were raised to believe that Russia was full of "godless commies" and this is no different. Here is where I will ask you to think for a second. What is wrong with this statement?

What is wrong is that it is saying that theism is right, atheism is wrong - period. It leaves you no other choice. It gives you the classic "you are with us, or against us" problem. When you add all world religions together, regardless of their disagreements, they outnumber nonbelievers. The term is used very intentionally to grab the largest number of people.

The next few paragraphs reemphasize the previous statement of grouping believers of "something" against all others. During this reemphasization, it forces patriotism in to the mix making theists and patriots make a choice. They are either with the believer Marine who fought for their freedom, or against the evil, non believing professor. The choice is barely there because 90% of people don't even see a choice given to them. It is worded in such a way that disagreement is bad in the absolute worst way.

I however, am here to give you that choice.

Think again for a second, what you are agreeing with. You are saying that America is for assault and battery on people who believe different than you.

Again, it is saying: America is FOR assault and battery on people who believe different than you.

I ask you, how different does that sound from the dogma spewed to suicide bombers before they blow up in a crowd of civilians? Seriously, what is the difference? The only difference is death. You don't want a suicide bomber coming up to you and blowing up, but would you accept them coming up to you and knocking you out? Because that is what you are agreeing to with the above propaganda.

The end part is just as ludicrous. If you think God exists and he is busy protecting troops fighting the good fight, why are there thousands of new graves in Arlington cemetery? Why are there tens and tens of thousands of new amputees from the wars? Heck, why did "God" make all these theists kill other theists (and atheists) in the first place?

It's just blatantly patronizing to the masses and I, as an honest asshole, am officially calling you people on it. I don't care if you are deeply religious and/or deeply patriotic, punching a man because he believes differently than you is putting yourself on the same fucking level as the savages in the Middle East who are killing these same Marines you claim to love.

I am not proposing you must be tolerant of all belief systems, but violence because of someone not believing the same as you do is exactly what is getting the aforementioned Marines and Soldiers killed and I ask that you pull your head out of your ass and at least pretend you can think for yourself.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

2nd Amendment

My beloved friends over at Unapologetically American* posted this link today: http://www.ijreview.com/2012/07/10064-un-small-arms-treaty-barack-obamas-backdoor-gun-control-may-pass/

It is absolutely transparent fear-mongering by the far right with little more than paranoid speculation. It makes me want to vomit, as all politics do. However, it touches on a subject that I feel strongly about which is your basic human rights.

The definition of your basic human rights depends entirely on where in the political spectrum the definer sits. I tend to sit pretty dang close to the middle and I would like to take a stab at defining the specific right in question for you.

The right to bear arms is "guaranteed" to us by the Constitution of the United States of America. That sounds nice and dandy, but as the Supreme Court and Congress like to remind us, the Constitution is a living document which means whatever political party controls the aforementioned entities, gets to interpret it, and change it, however they damn well please to suit their political needs.

So what then defines your right to bear arms?

You do.

If you are willing to fight, to bleed, to kill, or to die for that right, then you truly own it and no one can ever take it away from you.

If someone comes to you and tries to take away your gun, you just tell them you'll give them your gun when they pry it...

*I like them on Facebook, so it's the same thing as being friends right? #Semantics

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

McChrystal and the Draft

Holy dick on a stick I apologize for almost letting this one slide on by.

General (Ret) Stanley McChrystal said recently that if the country ever goes to war again that America should implement the draft.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

One more, just think about it.

You're confused right? If you're like me, that statement is somewhat hard to comprehend coming from a guy like McChrystal. Regardless of the controversy about him, he was still a four star general who spent many years of his career intimately involved in the Special Operations community. The suggestion of a draft coming from a guy who knows better than most what true professional Soldiers can accomplish is... it's just confusing. Especially with the wars of today becoming more and more unconventional, what good could possibly come from drafting a bunch of occutards in to our military?

When I listened a little longer, he made a semi-valid point. He said that with a draft, the weight of the war would be felt more throughout the entire population of the country, rather than the select, proud few who have chosen to bear this weight upon their shoulders. I find it hard to disagree at first. It does make some sense... until you once again take a second to think about it.

I go back to just a few months after 9/11 when even then we didn't have the political will enough to get Bin Laden at Tora Bora. MONTHS! We had Bin Laden's ass three MONTHS after 9/11 but we refused to do what needed to be done to get him. Not since Pearl Harbor has America been so united, yet we held back. It ended up taking a decade of war and one hell of a political call (aside: I don't care if you've got Republican tattooed on your forehead, Obama deserves a hell of an 'attaboy' for giving that operation a go!) to finally get Bin Laden. If we don't have the will to do what needs to be done in a situation like that, there is truly nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can do that will unify the people ever again and forcing a bunch of kids to go fight will do nothing other than enrage an already heavily divided country.

While I understand his idea that a draft would put America's heart in to the fight, I fail to see how he ignores the gaping fissure of ideals that currently resides in the middle of this country. You simply cannot ignore that and expect your idea to hold any water.

So, I ponder, why would he say such things? Is it some sort of subtle dig at those who he feels spurned him? Is his one meal a day finally catching up to him and his brain is lacking the proper nutrition to think straight? Or am I no better than a civilian when compared to his military knowledge and expertise and I can't comprehend where he is coming from simply because I can't see through his eyes?

In my humble opinion, not only will there never again be a draft, but there should not again be a draft. Though again, maybe I am blinded by my own inability to see the truth.

What do you think?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Let Me Paint™ You A Picture

Say you are the lifeguard depicted above. Your AO is to the left of the yellow line and your employer has told you not to cross it (thereby abandoning your post and opening them up to a potential lawsuit) to save anyone.
You are now made aware that there is an idiot drowning over on the other side of the yellow line. What do you do?
A) Run and save the idiot
B) Let the idiot die, he should have read the warning sign
C) Make other lifeguards aware so they can cover your AO and then run to save the idiot
D) Run in super slow motion because you are a crazy hot chick

Most people would probably pick C, which is what Tomas Lopez did, his employer however still felt the need to fire him over it.


Yuuup, I'm thinking exactly what you are thinking. That putting option "D" as option D was my subconscious attempt at boob humor.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Fatty McFatfat

The video above is by Jamie Oliver, a British chef who has a reality show about something, I assume cooking. He spoke at a TED conference about why you as an American, are an asshole and I 100% agree with his assessment. (I may have paraphrased...)

I really want to bloviate about how much I agree with his message, but I feel I wouldn't do him justice and will let his 18 minutes speak for themselves. I just find it ironic that half our country gets their panties in a bunch about providing "universal health care" (which we didn't FYI, we just forced insurance companies to insure more people and created a tax on the uninsured) but when faced with the facts about our own fat asses, we seem to do little more than shrug our shoulders.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Sunsceen Ban

So, the government is once again doing the best they can to murder your children, at least that is what the libtards would like you to believe. I personally think it's not the government's job to raise your children for you, but I'm just a silly guy without kids. If you haven't read about the two children who went to school and subsequently got sunburnt badly, go google it. The mother's blog about the incident is what I will be skewering.


^Here she rants about how the state and the school and the teachers; basically everyone involved other than herself, lacks common sense and the only fault I can see is the glaring omission of herself on that list.


^Here she even replies to people calling her and her children idiots. One of her responses:

I would think with a child with Albinism you would ALWAYS err on the side of caution rather than put her health and safety in the hands of someone else. Was she dressed in long sleeves? Did you send along a hat? It seems too easy to blame the school staff for something that was really your responsibility.
In the course of Zoe’s nine years, we’ve kept her safe. On a normal day, she simply can’t be in direct sun because it’s painful. The result? She’s rarely in direct sun. She naturally self-protects by seeking shade. Yes, we have provided sunglasses for school use. She’s never been obligated to be exposed to direct sun for such a long time in her entire life – it was a new experience for all of us and one I could have not predicted. I think the fact that this is a first says something about our level of responsibility. We’re good, caring parents who have been able to protect and teach self-advocacy to these kids.
OK, so her daughter with albinism cannot be in direct sun. NOT being the key word there. Write that down.
Per the first blog post:
Zoe has a documented form of Albinism and associated 504 plan, the teachers and staff are aware of her extreme sensitivity.
I have no idea what a 504 plan is, and I refuse to google it, but the key part of this sentence is that her medical condition which requires her to NOT [from above, did you write it down?] be in direct sunlight is DOCUMENTED [another key word!] and that the teachers and staff are AWARE! [Ding, another!!]

The mother, the school, and the children are all aware of this legitimate medical condition which was diagnosed by a doctor. So how does something like this happen? Did the school magically spring this "field day" on them? Well if you read through her blog, she says no, she was well aware of this outdoor activity ahead of time. So this mother, who has raised her child for nine successful years, became aware of a school outdoor function that will take place outdoors and involve her vampire-daughter, and she didn't send a tube of fucking sunscreen with her daughter? You ma'am, are an idiot.

Am I too harsh on the mother? Some libtard defenses:

Defense 1: It was raining, so she didn't apply sunscreen. It's not her fault it stopped raining!

No sir. I will use her own words to help you out.
1. I didn’t send sunscreen with them because, up until yesterday, they had never had an issue at school before.
2. This was our first field day at Pt. Defiance.
3. ...it was a new experience for all of us and one I could have not predicted.
Common sense says if your kid CAN'T BE IN THE FUCKING SUN, you should probably send them to school with sunscreen if their agenda for the day is: BE-THE-FUCK-OUTSIDE, even if you think it will rain for eight hours straight. You don't have to be Nostra-fucking-dumbass to be able to predict your super-ginger is going to fry like a slab of back bacon on a skillet if she participates in an event with the word FIELD in the title!!!!!!!!

Defense 2: She didn't have a prescription for sunscreen! She shouldn't have to pay $X to some doctor just so her daughter can remain safe at school!

This defense does hold water if you assume every person in the world is a fucking asshole. Seriously. What police officer, or other arbiter of the law, would actually enforce this law? Do you really think Sally's mom is going to call her Senator to complain that Zoe the albino was using sunscreen illegally during their school field day and that any type of consequences would come from that? I honestly cannot comprehend the level of pure fucktitude required for that scenario to even exist and refuse to acknowledge it.

Defense 3: It's the law! If we don't follow the laws, we'll have chaos and blah blah blah.

Please don't reproduce.

Defense 4: Did I mention the raining thing? Ya? Dang. Um, how about the mother just assumed that teachers wouldn't be d-bags and would actually take care of her child?

While your head is once again in the right place, as they definitely should have and I can't argue that the teachers who had sunscreen AND knew this kid couldn't be in the direct sunlight should've done the right thing and gave her some sunscreen. HOWEVAH, the problem I have here is NOT that the teachers are fucktards, the problem I have is the mother trying to deflect ANY personal responsibility for the situation. You are the MOTHER. When you poop out a kid, every fucking thing they do is your responsibility. Everything. While I agree with the premise that we as adults have a collective responsibility to take care of all children to help create a better society, that in no way removes or nullifies your own personal responsibility for your children.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I Hate The UN


The above story is about the Syrian civil war where children are being used as human shields, being raped, tortured, and murdered. Not cool right? If only we had an international body comprised of many countries around the world that we could use to put pressure on Syria to stop the violence. That would be easy right? Throw a few sanctions at them, maybe they will realize that being isolated in the world is a bad thing.

Well naturally being the good moral people that we are we tried exactly that. Unfortunately the United Nations is a giant bag of fuck. You see they have 193 member countries, and of those 15 are on the Security Council. Ten of those serve two year terms on a rotational basis and five are permanent members. The five permanent members are: The United States, The United Kingdom, France, China, and Russia. These five members all have veto power.

I'll let that sink in for a minute.

Got it? No? Ok one more minute...

Ready? Good. So we have the United Nations whose job it is to make the world a wonderful place. We have a Security Council to make sure when some stupid country acts a fool, we slap their dick. Well that becomes difficult when you have five members with veto power, especially when some of the countries are diametrically opposed to one another. I could go on and on giving past examples of why this is stupid, or even just break it down logically, but then you would forget about the story up top about the Syrian civil war where children are being raped and tortured. So I will give you here the bottom paragraph from that story to chew on:

The US and UK have refused to rule out military intervention but appear wary of entering another conflict as they attempt to exit Iraq and Afghanistan. Russia and China have constantly warned against foreign interference and have already vetoed two UN security council resolutions that threatened sanctions against the Assad regime.

Take your time. Read it a couple times if need be. Russia and China refuse to even threaten Syria with sanctions! We are not even talking about invading or bombing, we are talking along the lines of stopping the exporting of goods to Syria. Yet Russia and China use their veto power to prevent us from doing even that.

Here is where some people get divided, including myself. Some people feel that as the last remaining "super power" (though I would argue China should be considered a super power) we should use our power to help those who cannot help themselves. Others think we should leave the world alone and concentrate more on helping our own people. I am somewhat a fan of both schools of thought. I feel that if we are going to exert our influence around the globe, we should gain from it in a much more direct form (read: yay imperialism!), however I also like to think that if a bunch of people still basing their lives on societal norms from the 10th Century want to kill each other, let 'er buck! The more of them that die, the less people there are to continue to threaten the security of every other person on Earth.

Since America has grown a big floppy vagina in the last half century or so, we are forced to reap the benefits of our global "big-brother-ness" in much more subtle or indirect ways. It is essentially political correctness on a global scale and it is bullshit.

Our continued allowance of Russia and China to stand in the way of sanctions on shitty countries (Iran, North Korea, Syria, etc...) is a tacit agreement to allow evil to flourish.

It is all fun and games until you see stuff like this. ^

Thursday, June 7, 2012

North Dakota Ballots June 12th

There are four measures coming up on the June 12th North Dakota ballot. In true political form, what they are is being skewed by both sides of the issues to such an extent that it is hard to really know what you are voting on. As I am a proponent of educated voting, I will attempt to explain them in a simple and unbiased way.

Measure 1:
This constitutional measure would amend and reenact section 6 of Article IV of the North Dakota Constitution.  This measure would prohibit the appointment of a member of the Legislative Assembly to a state office for which the compensation was increased in an amount greater than any general legislative increase provided to full-time state employees during the member's term of office. 
You likely haven't heard much about this one as it's actually pretty straight forward and wasn't initiated. Voting yes would mean that a legislator who votes for a larger than normal pay increase for an appointed position, would be unable to be appointed to that position. If the position received an increase of pay equal to that of all other state employees, then there is no problem.

I agree with this as it makes sure no one is giving themselves unfair pay raises and I will vote yes.

Measure 2:
This initiated constitutional measure would amend sections 1, 4, 14, 15, and 16 of Article X of the North Dakota Constitution and repeal sections 5, 6, 7, 9, and 10 of that same article, eliminating property taxes, poll taxes, and acreage taxes, effective January 1, 2012. The measure would require the Legislative Assembly to replace lost revenue to cities, counties, townships, school districts, and other political subdivisions with allocations of various state-level taxes and other revenues, without restrictions on how these revenues may be spent by the political subdivisions.
This one has gotten a lot of play by both sides and unless your head is stuck in the sand you've no doubt heard about this one. Side one says property taxes are a burden to taxpayers and cause people to lose their homes. Side two says if we cut property taxes we lose local control over our government.
Here in North Dakota we've been extremely fortunate to avoid the massive foreclosures caused by the bursting of the housing bubble a few years ago which in my opinion greatly weakens the argument of side one. Side two wants you to think that if property taxes get cut, when a city or county government wants to spend money, it will have go hat in hand to get the funds from individuals who don't live in that community.
Common sense says that if a government loses a leg, it will lean more heavily on the other legs (sales, income, etc).

I pay property taxes that in my opinion are too high, but I have yet to hear an argument that says removing property taxes will force our government to run more efficiently. I will vote no.

Measure 3:
This initiated constitutional measure would add a new section to Article I of the North Dakota Constitution stating, “Government may not burden a person’s or religious organization’s religious liberty.  The right to act or refuse to act in a manner motivated by a sincerely held religious belief may not be burdened unless the government proves it has a compelling governmental interest in infringing the specific act or refusal to act and has used the least restrictive means to further that interest.  A burden includes indirect burdens such as withholding benefits, assessing penalties, or an exclusion from programs or access to facilities.”
Measure three is my favorite just because it's so absurd. Side one wants you to believe that if you vote yes, you are granting religious freedom to North Dakota, or that if you vote no you are stripping people of their religious freedom. Side two wants you to believe that if you vote yes that Muslims will be able to come here and practice Sharia law freely.
If you read the Constitution of the United States of America, you will see that religious freedom is something that every American citizen is already granted and can not be infringed upon. You. Have. Religious. Freedom! This is NOT a measure to take away ANYTHING! So the premise of this measure having anything to do with religious freedom is absurd.
I can't try to explain this any more as I can't figure out a way to do so without backtracking the argument to why this issue currently exists (Rhymes with shmashmortion) so I will just give my opinion.

This is an attempt by the hyper-religious to make it easier for them to further push their belief system on others. (Study history, this is nothing new nor is it specific to a single religion.) This is why I will be voting no.

Measure 4:
This referendum measure concerns Senate Bill 2370 as passed by the Legislative Assembly in the November 2011 special session (Session Laws, Chapter 580).  Senate Bill 2370 repealed section 15-10-46 of the North Dakota Century Code, which required the University of North Dakota to use the Fighting Sioux nickname and logo.
This is easily the most confusing so I will provide the yes/no as well:
YES – means you approve Senate Bill 2370, the effect of which would allow the University of North Dakota to discontinue the Fighting Sioux nickname and logo.
NO – means you reject Senate Bill 2370, and would require the University of North Dakota to use the Fighting Sioux nickname and logo
 If you are unaware of the Sioux nickname issue, I will summarize it for you:

NCAA: No more Sioux for you!
UND: Nu uh! We going to court.
NCAA: K. How bout if you get the tribes to agree in the next few years?
UND: No probs.
+a few years later+
NCAA: So...
UND: We um, one more minute?
NCAA: Sigh...
UND: K, fine. We'll change it.
North Dakota Government(NDG): UND you HAVE to be the Sioux.
NCAA: Remember me?
UND: My hands are tied!
NCAA: I don't care.
Side one(S1): Screw it, go Sioux!
Side two(S2): Um, but I like postseason play.
UND: I know right?
NCAA: You guys are idiots, I'm out.
S2: Hey NDG, you are stupid.
NDG: You don't like it, vote.
S1: Noooooooo!

Measure 4!

So, if you vote yes, you are voting no to keeping the nickname and if you vote no, you are voting yes to keeping the nickname. The NCAA doesn't give a hoot what our state law is, the sanctions against UND will remain in place until they have a new nickname. Watching UND athletic competitions is more important to me than saying a name, so I will be voting yes.

No matter what, you need to go vote. Voting is how your voice is heard.
If you would like more information about any of the measures, you can find that information here:

Thursday, May 31, 2012

"Native American" Running For Senate

So Elizabeth Warren... ya. 

This lady decides to list herself as "Native American" to her employers. No biggie right? I have Native American friends and I assume they do also.

Funny thing is though, my friends don't look like this:

Warren and genealogical groups have not been able to provide documentation of her heritage. Warren says knowledge of her heritage was passed down to her through "family lore."
 Are you SERIOUS? REALLY?! You're a fucking professor at HARVARD LAW! How in the shi...

[pausing to break something]*

Ok. I feel better now. Alright lady, I get it, in the literal sense you and I are both "Native Americans" as we were both born in America, but come-the-fuck-on! You will NOT get my vote for Senate, mostly because I don't actually live** in Massachusetts,*** but either way fuck you.

*I was going to go in to a tangential rant on affirmative action but decided I didn't want to burst a vein at work.

**In my heart I do!

***I am so proud of myself for spelling that correctly the first time that I had to brag about it here.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Angry Memorial Day Rant

Today is Memorial Day, yet so many in our country haven't the faintest clue what that means other than it is a three day weekend. This in and of itself is disturbing, however, there is something I find far more offensive. There is an undercurrent of jackassery flowing throughout this nation, not dissimilar to the pink ooze flowing under New York City in Ghostbusters 2. On the surface there is the bright, shiny smile of patriotism (the Statue of Liberty), yet when you look inside, it is filled with the pink ooze of falsehood holding together the entire facade.

The particular jackassery I am speaking of: Thanking veterans on Memorial Day.

Memorial Day, originally Decoration Day, began sometime after the Civil War to remember those who died fighting in it. After World War 1 it became a day for remembrance for all people who died during a time of war in service to America. Post Vietnam the country became less enthusiastic about supporting the military and patriotism lost its appeal. In 1971 the day of remembrance was changed from May 30th to the last Monday in May to ensure a three day weekend. The following decades lacked a simple, definable enemy that had united America in almost all previous wars and Memorial Day started losing its meaning. Towards the end of the millennium the numbers of living veterans of the World Wars had dwindled significantly, leaving most of America to only think about them when reading a textbook or watching a movie. While many people still remembered why Memorial Day existed, its true meaning was preserved by few.


Muslim extremists gave America the enemy it needed to raise patriotism back to the virtue it was only couple generations prior. While many would argue the need or justification of the wars America was engaged in, support for the troops was almost a universal constant. On Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Patriot Day, the Fourth of July, etc... Americans would gather and rejoice at winning the birthplace lottery and thank those who helped supply them with the freedom and security they enjoyed every day.

Today, not even eleven years past, and already Americans have forgotten what Memorial Day is about. Over the last decade they've become practiced hands at faking their patriotism to a point that it's second nature to spew forth a meaningless "I thank the troops for their sacrifice" without even connecting it to any meaning whatsoever.

Six thousand four hundred and sixty one United States citizens have died fighting the War on Terror and yet today, on the one official day a year set aside to remember those brave souls who gave everything for us, people haven't a clue how it is different than any other day.

So today, when put on your red, white, and blue mask in an attempt to once again fool everyone into believing in your pretension, I am calling you out. You do not care about the troops and you certainly don't care about those who have given their life. If you truly did, you wouldn't be thanking a veteran, you'd be remembering the ones who didn't come home. You'd be comforting the families of those we've lost. You'd be understanding what the word memorial means.

R.I.P. You are gone, yet never forgotten.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Canada Is Stupid


A Canadian high schooler was recently suspended for a week for wearing a shirt deemed as "hate speech" and told if he wears it again he could be suspended for the rest of the school year.

Serious stuff right? What did his shirt say you are wondering? Was it Nazi propaganda? KKK? Maybe a picture of Mohammed being sodomized?
No, no, and I wish.

In fact the shirt said, "Life is wasted without Jesus."


Really Canada? REALLY?

I'm about as anti-religion as a guy can get (without going over the hump and making your dis-belief a religion in itself) and I think this is beyond absurd. If the kid was walking around with a bible and trying to force people to pray and telling people they will go to hell if they don't believe as he does or any other disruptive thing, sure, tell him to stop and if he doesn't, remove him. But a t-shirt? The distraction of the suspension is greater than the distraction created by him wearing the shirt!

For this act of stupidity I hearby sentence the entirety of Nova Scotia to spend one week in Quebec as punishment.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Today Junior Seau reportedly shot himself in the chest. He was 43 years old.

While everyone would agree this is sad; it has me debating myself. On one hand, suicide is never, never, never the answer. On the other hand, there is always, always, always an exception to every rule.

How do I know he wasn't suffering from incurable physical pain or unfixable, debilitating brain damage that made life unbearable? I am for assisted suicide for those who are suffering from a fatal disease or things of that nature. They have to live with the disease, it should be their choice if they wish to end it.

Then again, suicide is the most selfish act there is. Every single friend and family member immediately is struck with an emptiness that can not be filled. Sure, your torment, your pain, your sadness will be over, but you will cause that much pain and more to all of the people you care about most.

So... I guess if you want to kill yourself, go ahead as it's your life and it's your right. But just remember, if you don't at the very least try to get help first, you're just an asshole.

If you, or someone you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Facebook Friends: You've Been Judged

In the last week I've noticed something on Facebook that has caused me to become a sad panda.

I posted a story about how a medevac bird crashed in Afghanistan killing all four Soldiers inside. One person commented. No biggie though. People don't need to "like" it or share it or comment on it to care about the deaths of these Soldiers.

Again the other day I posted a story about a 101st Airborne veteran from D-Day who was beaten severely and his wife was raped and also beaten severely, ending up dying of her wounds the next day. Again, a handful of comments, not a whole lot of visible attention. No biggie again. I'm posting this information to share it, not to get recognized for sharing it.

Then... then the last couple days happen. A rash of people start "sharing" a photo. I will post it here for you to see:

Some of you will immediately know what is coming in the next paragraph and that is why I like you.

More of my Facebook friends shared this "photo" than commented/liked/shared the two above stories I posted combined. Am I mad because people don't "share" my stories? No, I am mad that these people are either lazy or they are assholes. They see this photo "challenging" their patriotism and they immediately share it to "prove" that they love America. I correct them every single time I see it posted. Only one said "Ooops!"

The above story is about a helicopter that was shot down in early August of last year holding a large group of our special operations troops. I'm sure if you go back in my "timeline" (ugh) you'll see something posted about it. It did not happen "yesterday" or even within the statute of limitations of acceptability for sharing this.

To those of you that this applies to: you have been weighed on the true scale of patriotism and been found wanting.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

North Dakota Trumps Its Own Absurdity

Sigh... I just... I just don't know what is wrong with North Dakota. It is like they are living in a completely different world than the rest of us. (Of course by us I mean sane people.)

It seems as though there is a competition going on in the state as to who can be more, well, out of touch.

The first shot was fired from Bismarck via the North Dakota Tourism Board... or some other group of idiots who probably spend nine months out of the year in Arizona. It's impressive level of absurdity immediately skyrocketed it in to the national spotlight where it was appropriately mocked.

As you can see above, our state was essentially saying if you visit North Dakota, a bevy of willing courtesans will please you in ways that are likely illegal in whatever pathetic puritan state you hail from. Needless to say, it was embarrassing.

Next up came Maryln Hagerty's review of The Olive Garden. This was just a kind hearted old lady rambling on mindlessly about her lunch for the three people she plays bridge with. Normally no big deal as they are the only three who read her column, but somehow someone got a hold of it and it immediately spread like wildfire. Grand Forks was now the torchbearer for North Dakotan absurdity.

Grand Forks however has not been sitting idle, secure in their mantle of stupidity; in the last couple weeks their city council has imposed a brand new law licencing and managing what is or is not a "sex shop," and where, when and how they can operate. This may not sound that odd (because you come from Utah?) but you might raise an eyebrow once you hear that this came about because three months prior, the City Attorney signed off on all permits and zoning for a lingerie shop to open, and now people were complaining that their children might see it so they then enacted this broad law.

Normally I'd be fellating the barrel of a shotgun right now trying to find the courage to end the pain, but last night I saw something on TV so painful that I am left simply as a numb shell, no longer able to process thoughts or feelings. I present to you, the Queens of Colonoscopy:

Congratulations must now go to the city of Lisbon, ND. Now whenever I am asked where I am from, instead of responding with North Dakota, proud of my Mid-Western work ethic and common sense, I will instead punch the asker in the throat and walk away thinking about how nice those people have it in Afghanistan...

Friday, April 20, 2012

More Proof Of Idiocracy At Work

A 30 year old New Zealand woman died of a heart attack the other day.

Surprising stuff right? Not often a 30 year old's ticker gives out on em. There must've been something genetic wrong with it, right?

Nope. Guess again.

She was running a marathon and had never trained for one?

Nope. She was sending off her kids to school.

How many? Eight.

How many dads?

Objection! The council will keep his questions relevant to her health!

Fine, what did her boyfriend have to say about her health? He says she smoked a lot. 30 cigarettes a day as a matter of fact.

Yup, we're starting to get a picture here. Let's get this zero'd in fully.

Anything else? He says she was a coke addict. WELL! After what's-her-nuts the other month, we should all know that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Eh? You meant Coca Cola? Surely this is a joke she... 2.6 gallons a day?



Seriously people, Idiocracy is fucking real.



Tuesday, April 17, 2012

LAPD Sued For 120 Million Dollars





All of the above links will tell you a story. The story is almost universally the same no matter the source. It says 19 year old Abdul Arian was driving erratically at 10pm and when the police attempted to pull him over he led the police on a high speed chase. During this chase he called 911 and stated such things as "I have a gun" and "I'm going to shoot the police." Finally Abdul stops in the middle of the freeway and as police pull up he jumps out of the vehicle and starts to run away. While doing this he also frequently stops, turns towards police, and holds up his cell phone as though it is a gun and points it at them. Needless to say, this guy got exactly what he wanted, most commonly called "suicide by police." Open and shut case right?

Well of course not! His family is suing the LAPD for wrongful death. Their rallying cry? The fact that the eight officers on scene fired anywhere between 90-120 bullets at the perp. As a matter of fact, they are suing for $120 million dollars, a million per bullet their lawyer says.

Sigh... ok, high number 120, divided by 8 is 15. I have no idea what kind of pistols these officers have, but I imagine that their magazines hold at least 15 rounds. [I am basing this assumption on the fact that when the military issued me a pistol, I had 15 round magazines and I can't imagine the LAPD rolling around with less] So each officer fired at most a full magazine at the perp who appeared to be firing back at them. This on paper sounds like overkill (pun semi-intended). It sounds even worse when the Imam in the fourth article (incorrectly) claims that Abdul had actually been shot 90 times which would be absolutely absurd. [WHAT? An Islamic person claiming something false as fact?! NO WAY! (note: read ANYTHING released by a terrorist organization, it is always, without fail grossly exaggerated if not just completely false.)]

Cops do not have a communal mind; they each think independently of each other. They don't know how many shots total have been fired, who all is firing or if they have even hit their target. (It's not like the movies; small arms don't make a person fly back 10 feet because they got hit in the shoulder.) Their job is to eliminate the known threat at the time based on all the information available to them. The information was: This individual claimed to have a gun, said he would use it against police, and then physically appeared to do so.

Here is where I ask that you watch the video:

There are a couple things you will have noticed that aren't mentioned in the stories:
#1. It's dark (obvious as it's past 10pm, but still, very hard to see details with that low of light)
#2. The kid is Neo from the fucking Matrix. Seriously, he dodges bullets!

So yes, the LAPD did in fact shoot too many times, but not because there was any malice or ill intent, only because they apparently suck. (I understand it's dark and you're firing at a moving target, but come on guys, you're professionals, it shouldn't take this long to kill him.) Also, the kid is guilty, guilty, GUILTY! If you can watch the above video and still think that the kid didn't get exactly what he deserved, please, find a fire and promptly die in it.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeding Tube "Diet"...



Is this really where we are as a society? REALLY? Sigh... the first paragraph:
Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.
First off, why the fuck are you buying a "dream wedding gown" that doesn't fucking fit? Are you retarded? My wife gets pissed off at me when I buy a pair of jeans without trying them on first yet you go out and purposefully purchase a wedding dress that doesn't fit and then stress out over it? What-the-fuck over? I understand that as a society we put immense pressure on women to look good and be thin and blah blah blah, but nowhere on Earth has any man ever said, "I love you, I want to marry you, but try to be ten pounds lighter on our wedding day. I want our kids to be able to look back and see that their daddy wasn't always a chubby-chaser." So this idiocy can not in any way be blamed on the male sex.

I also understand that women hold the wedding day to a much, much, much higher level of significance than men do, however, I don't understand how lying to yourself makes you feel better. That's all this is, lying to yourself. I put the ring on your finger, I know how much you weigh and what you look like, so does your maid of honor and your parents and everybody else at the wedding. You purging ten pounds off your body for a short time to be able to take pictures is just the epitome of ridiculousness. 97.8547% of all males on Earth prefer a woman who is comfortable with herself and confident. No real man wants a woman so self conscious that she has to go through elaborate mechanisms just to trick her future-self that her past-self wasn't really a lazy pile. And I'm just talking about regular old fashioned gimmick diets that just dehydrate you for a short time. This particular "diet" is a whole new level of crazy.

How lazy must you be, that you would pay $1,500 dollars to have bad breath, constipation and oh yeah, a feeding tube shoved up your nose for 10 days, just to lose ten or twenty pounds in the short term?

But SGT Awesome, it's not short term. Once I lose the weight, I'll totally keep it off for good. It's just the initial loss that is tough to do! - says every lazy person ever who wants to argue the above point with me.

Uh, no assclown, if you don't change your lifestyle, your life won't change you jackass. If you want to be fit/in shape/not a fat ass, you have to work at it. If you continue to be the typical lazy, fat-ass American, it doesn't matter how long you starve yourself, once you stop and go back to your routine of stuffing your face and laying around, you will blow back up into the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Bride.

But SGT Awesome, I do work out/eat right and I just can't get this ten pounds off! - says people who just like to argue.

Yes, that is correct, because you aren't changing anything! Why would you expect to see change, if you don't change? Without cause, there is no effect!

It really isn't that tough. There are basically two simple rules to follow and you can be whatever weight you want to be.

#1: Stop stuffing your big fat face with a ton of shitty food. (In layman terms: Eat a healthy, balanced diet and watch your portions!)

#2: Get off your fat, lazy ass! (In layman terms: Get off your fat, lazy ass and fucking exercise!)

Boom, done. Follow those two basic rules and you'll add five years to your life guaranteed or your money back! I'll even throw in a bonus rule:

#3. If you ever feel like paying $1,500 dollars to lose 10lbs in 10 days, send me a check for $750 dollars and I'll punch you in the face.