Thursday, April 26, 2012

Facebook Friends: You've Been Judged

In the last week I've noticed something on Facebook that has caused me to become a sad panda.

I posted a story about how a medevac bird crashed in Afghanistan killing all four Soldiers inside. One person commented. No biggie though. People don't need to "like" it or share it or comment on it to care about the deaths of these Soldiers.

Again the other day I posted a story about a 101st Airborne veteran from D-Day who was beaten severely and his wife was raped and also beaten severely, ending up dying of her wounds the next day. Again, a handful of comments, not a whole lot of visible attention. No biggie again. I'm posting this information to share it, not to get recognized for sharing it.

Then... then the last couple days happen. A rash of people start "sharing" a photo. I will post it here for you to see:

Some of you will immediately know what is coming in the next paragraph and that is why I like you.

More of my Facebook friends shared this "photo" than commented/liked/shared the two above stories I posted combined. Am I mad because people don't "share" my stories? No, I am mad that these people are either lazy or they are assholes. They see this photo "challenging" their patriotism and they immediately share it to "prove" that they love America. I correct them every single time I see it posted. Only one said "Ooops!"

The above story is about a helicopter that was shot down in early August of last year holding a large group of our special operations troops. I'm sure if you go back in my "timeline" (ugh) you'll see something posted about it. It did not happen "yesterday" or even within the statute of limitations of acceptability for sharing this.

To those of you that this applies to: you have been weighed on the true scale of patriotism and been found wanting.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

North Dakota Trumps Its Own Absurdity

Sigh... I just... I just don't know what is wrong with North Dakota. It is like they are living in a completely different world than the rest of us. (Of course by us I mean sane people.)

It seems as though there is a competition going on in the state as to who can be more, well, out of touch.

The first shot was fired from Bismarck via the North Dakota Tourism Board... or some other group of idiots who probably spend nine months out of the year in Arizona. It's impressive level of absurdity immediately skyrocketed it in to the national spotlight where it was appropriately mocked.

As you can see above, our state was essentially saying if you visit North Dakota, a bevy of willing courtesans will please you in ways that are likely illegal in whatever pathetic puritan state you hail from. Needless to say, it was embarrassing.

Next up came Maryln Hagerty's review of The Olive Garden. This was just a kind hearted old lady rambling on mindlessly about her lunch for the three people she plays bridge with. Normally no big deal as they are the only three who read her column, but somehow someone got a hold of it and it immediately spread like wildfire. Grand Forks was now the torchbearer for North Dakotan absurdity.

Grand Forks however has not been sitting idle, secure in their mantle of stupidity; in the last couple weeks their city council has imposed a brand new law licencing and managing what is or is not a "sex shop," and where, when and how they can operate. This may not sound that odd (because you come from Utah?) but you might raise an eyebrow once you hear that this came about because three months prior, the City Attorney signed off on all permits and zoning for a lingerie shop to open, and now people were complaining that their children might see it so they then enacted this broad law.

Normally I'd be fellating the barrel of a shotgun right now trying to find the courage to end the pain, but last night I saw something on TV so painful that I am left simply as a numb shell, no longer able to process thoughts or feelings. I present to you, the Queens of Colonoscopy:

Congratulations must now go to the city of Lisbon, ND. Now whenever I am asked where I am from, instead of responding with North Dakota, proud of my Mid-Western work ethic and common sense, I will instead punch the asker in the throat and walk away thinking about how nice those people have it in Afghanistan...

Friday, April 20, 2012

More Proof Of Idiocracy At Work

A 30 year old New Zealand woman died of a heart attack the other day.

Surprising stuff right? Not often a 30 year old's ticker gives out on em. There must've been something genetic wrong with it, right?

Nope. Guess again.

She was running a marathon and had never trained for one?

Nope. She was sending off her kids to school.

How many? Eight.

How many dads?

Objection! The council will keep his questions relevant to her health!

Fine, what did her boyfriend have to say about her health? He says she smoked a lot. 30 cigarettes a day as a matter of fact.

Yup, we're starting to get a picture here. Let's get this zero'd in fully.

Anything else? He says she was a coke addict. WELL! After what's-her-nuts the other month, we should all know that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Eh? You meant Coca Cola? Surely this is a joke she... 2.6 gallons a day?



Seriously people, Idiocracy is fucking real.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

LAPD Sued For 120 Million Dollars

All of the above links will tell you a story. The story is almost universally the same no matter the source. It says 19 year old Abdul Arian was driving erratically at 10pm and when the police attempted to pull him over he led the police on a high speed chase. During this chase he called 911 and stated such things as "I have a gun" and "I'm going to shoot the police." Finally Abdul stops in the middle of the freeway and as police pull up he jumps out of the vehicle and starts to run away. While doing this he also frequently stops, turns towards police, and holds up his cell phone as though it is a gun and points it at them. Needless to say, this guy got exactly what he wanted, most commonly called "suicide by police." Open and shut case right?

Well of course not! His family is suing the LAPD for wrongful death. Their rallying cry? The fact that the eight officers on scene fired anywhere between 90-120 bullets at the perp. As a matter of fact, they are suing for $120 million dollars, a million per bullet their lawyer says.

Sigh... ok, high number 120, divided by 8 is 15. I have no idea what kind of pistols these officers have, but I imagine that their magazines hold at least 15 rounds. [I am basing this assumption on the fact that when the military issued me a pistol, I had 15 round magazines and I can't imagine the LAPD rolling around with less] So each officer fired at most a full magazine at the perp who appeared to be firing back at them. This on paper sounds like overkill (pun semi-intended). It sounds even worse when the Imam in the fourth article (incorrectly) claims that Abdul had actually been shot 90 times which would be absolutely absurd. [WHAT? An Islamic person claiming something false as fact?! NO WAY! (note: read ANYTHING released by a terrorist organization, it is always, without fail grossly exaggerated if not just completely false.)]

Cops do not have a communal mind; they each think independently of each other. They don't know how many shots total have been fired, who all is firing or if they have even hit their target. (It's not like the movies; small arms don't make a person fly back 10 feet because they got hit in the shoulder.) Their job is to eliminate the known threat at the time based on all the information available to them. The information was: This individual claimed to have a gun, said he would use it against police, and then physically appeared to do so.

Here is where I ask that you watch the video:

There are a couple things you will have noticed that aren't mentioned in the stories:
#1. It's dark (obvious as it's past 10pm, but still, very hard to see details with that low of light)
#2. The kid is Neo from the fucking Matrix. Seriously, he dodges bullets!

So yes, the LAPD did in fact shoot too many times, but not because there was any malice or ill intent, only because they apparently suck. (I understand it's dark and you're firing at a moving target, but come on guys, you're professionals, it shouldn't take this long to kill him.) Also, the kid is guilty, guilty, GUILTY! If you can watch the above video and still think that the kid didn't get exactly what he deserved, please, find a fire and promptly die in it.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeding Tube "Diet"...


Is this really where we are as a society? REALLY? Sigh... the first paragraph:
Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.
First off, why the fuck are you buying a "dream wedding gown" that doesn't fucking fit? Are you retarded? My wife gets pissed off at me when I buy a pair of jeans without trying them on first yet you go out and purposefully purchase a wedding dress that doesn't fit and then stress out over it? What-the-fuck over? I understand that as a society we put immense pressure on women to look good and be thin and blah blah blah, but nowhere on Earth has any man ever said, "I love you, I want to marry you, but try to be ten pounds lighter on our wedding day. I want our kids to be able to look back and see that their daddy wasn't always a chubby-chaser." So this idiocy can not in any way be blamed on the male sex.

I also understand that women hold the wedding day to a much, much, much higher level of significance than men do, however, I don't understand how lying to yourself makes you feel better. That's all this is, lying to yourself. I put the ring on your finger, I know how much you weigh and what you look like, so does your maid of honor and your parents and everybody else at the wedding. You purging ten pounds off your body for a short time to be able to take pictures is just the epitome of ridiculousness. 97.8547% of all males on Earth prefer a woman who is comfortable with herself and confident. No real man wants a woman so self conscious that she has to go through elaborate mechanisms just to trick her future-self that her past-self wasn't really a lazy pile. And I'm just talking about regular old fashioned gimmick diets that just dehydrate you for a short time. This particular "diet" is a whole new level of crazy.

How lazy must you be, that you would pay $1,500 dollars to have bad breath, constipation and oh yeah, a feeding tube shoved up your nose for 10 days, just to lose ten or twenty pounds in the short term?

But SGT Awesome, it's not short term. Once I lose the weight, I'll totally keep it off for good. It's just the initial loss that is tough to do! - says every lazy person ever who wants to argue the above point with me.

Uh, no assclown, if you don't change your lifestyle, your life won't change you jackass. If you want to be fit/in shape/not a fat ass, you have to work at it. If you continue to be the typical lazy, fat-ass American, it doesn't matter how long you starve yourself, once you stop and go back to your routine of stuffing your face and laying around, you will blow back up into the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Bride.

But SGT Awesome, I do work out/eat right and I just can't get this ten pounds off! - says people who just like to argue.

Yes, that is correct, because you aren't changing anything! Why would you expect to see change, if you don't change? Without cause, there is no effect!

It really isn't that tough. There are basically two simple rules to follow and you can be whatever weight you want to be.

#1: Stop stuffing your big fat face with a ton of shitty food. (In layman terms: Eat a healthy, balanced diet and watch your portions!)

#2: Get off your fat, lazy ass! (In layman terms: Get off your fat, lazy ass and fucking exercise!)

Boom, done. Follow those two basic rules and you'll add five years to your life guaranteed or your money back! I'll even throw in a bonus rule:

#3. If you ever feel like paying $1,500 dollars to lose 10lbs in 10 days, send me a check for $750 dollars and I'll punch you in the face.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

TED Video, Why Do We Vote On Tuesdays?

What are the odds of this bill passing? Do politicians want more people to vote? Would this help one party over the other? I wonder. I have no overwhelming rage at this particular [insert word here... archaicism?*], but am curious for thoughts. Do you think one side more so than the other fights to keep it this way or will both sides unanimously shoot this down for fear that it may help the other side more?

My purely uneducated guess would be that it will stay on a Tuesday for no good reason whatsoever. We in America are nothing if not suckers for meaningless tradition!

*I am high** on muscle relaxers right now and it's semi-difficult to form a thought, let alone type it. So eat it.

**I injured my back, I am not a drug addict.***

***Beer totally isn't a drug.****

****SHUT IT!

EDIT: Anachronism would've won you a cookie.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

North Dakota Uses UAV To Make Arrest (Limerick Tuesday)

So crazy guy A, let's call him Bob, decides that possession literally is 9/10ths of the law and the other 1/10th of the law is having a rifle. Seems legit right? Well some cows wandered on to Bob's property and when the owners asked for them back, he checked his math and said no. The cops were called and when they showed up Bob once again checked his math and with two of his family members (aren't they are always family members?) chased away the police with their 1/10th of the law. (That would be the rifles for the math impaired.)

The police then got a search warrant, had Homeland Security send up a drone to take a look-see at the ranch, and then had SWAT raid the ranch to arrest the crazy fuckers alleged, um, crazy fuckers.

Bob is now crying that a drone was used and claiming it is illegal and the libtard brigade is going to be all over this.

Bob, let me point you towards the bold font just above here. See that last word? Check and mate fuckface.

That said, I swear to FSM that if this guy doesn't do hard time, I'm going to start building the clock tower. Common sense has long since left the legal realm in this country and I wouldn't be surprised if this doucheknuckle walks.

Annnnnd I just recalled that it is Tuesday. My apologies.

This crazy guy tried to steal a cow,
For that I raise my eyebrow,
We then used a drone,
To look at his home,
An airstrike I would've allowed.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Future Lifetime Movie Of The Week?

This is possibly the greatest story you've never heard. It has all the elements of a classic.

Drama between best friends
Sexual tension
Awkward brother-sister relationship
A monkey wrench
A champion gravy wrestler protagonist

I can't wait for Lifetime to green-light this movie!

So Lady A (champion gravy wrestler [yes, I assume there is a belt]) walks in to her own living room to discover Lady B (Lady A's best friend) having sex with Guy 1 (apparently a mutual friend of Lady A and B). Lady A verbally objects to this sexual act being performed on her couch. Guy 1 then grabs Lady A by the throat and throws her in to a doorway. Guy 2 (Lady B's brother) now appears (from who knows where) and starts punching Lady A in the face. Whilst this is happening Lady B grabs a monkey wrench which was simply laying about and hits Lady A in the face with it. Then Lady B and Guys 1 and 2 all leave, not staying around long enough to even to grab Lady B's purse, phone, shoes or pants.

The laundry-working single mother of multiple children, (Lady B) has promised through her attorney to "reduce her drinking" I guess so she doesn't again smash her future best friends' face in with a blunt object.

Honestly though, the absolute BEST part of this story is the last couple sentences:

In the annual wrestling championships at the Rose ‘n’ Bowl pub in Stacksteads, Bisto provided 440 gallons of gravy past its best before date for the contest, which raises money for the East Lancashire Hospice.Local fire crews are called in to hose down the participants after their bouts in the wrestling ring. Wrestlers travel from all over the UK to compete.
Well, I have no idea why the brother was hanging around this house while his sister was getting the business in the middle of the other room, but at least I now know that the donated gravy that English people wrestle in is expired Bisto brand gravy. Hoozah!

Read the story here:

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Islam Is... Not Savage!

I often get criticized for referring to the followers of Islam as savages.
I present to you exhibit ZZ:

Saudi Arabia, one of our best "allies" in the Muslim world is stepping up it's war on terror sorcery. Yes, I said sorcery.

While America is wasting its time and money fighting Saudi-funded terrorism extremists, our "allies" are fighting the good fight and making sure people like Harry Potter and women are murdered shown their proper due.

So I guess ya, you are right, they aren't savages. They are actually heroes and loyal "allies" in the real fight against Magic The Gathering Gandalf witchcraft.

Hoozah Islam, hoozah. You are the shining light that guides us all towards world peace via violent subjugation and genocide.

[Shout out to @Ranger_up for bringing this important subject to my attention]

Gregg Williams Audio

WOW. It's one thing to read about it, it's another to hear it directly coming out of Gregg Williams' mouth. I understand football is a very physical game, but intentional injury is beyond disgusting. This makes me understand the punishments Goodell handed out much better.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Teenage Me Is Crying Tuesday Limerick

There once was a boy in Kentucky,
Who was extremely god damn lucky,
He's not Derek Jeter,
Yet an NFL cheerleader,
He allegedly made with the "fucky."

(Seriously. Can I go back to high school???)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Reason #8,287 Why New York City Sucks

"New York City is the greatest city on Earth!" - Tons of douches from NYC.
"Um, no?" - Me.

The latest evidence to prove my point is this: The NYC Department of Education wants to lobotomize its children to the point of fucking absolute absurdity. Honestly, you may as well abort all children born in NYC to save them from potentially being offended at some point in their lives.

Political correctness is a fucking cancer that is killing America. The above list of suggest words to be removed from standardizes tests honestly makes me want to grab a baby and fucking punt it.

I understand that a test question shouldn't say "How many niggers does it take to rape your mother?" That is offensive even if your mother wasn't raped by black men. However, "How many horns does a triceratops have?" is not offensive even if your particular cult thinks that a magical genie sneezed out the universe a few thousand years ago and hid fake bones in the ground to mess with us. You know why? Because not agreeing  with your beliefs is NOT FUCKING OFFESIVE!

Oh your mommy and daddy got divorced? Guess what, regardless of whether or not it's in a test question your mom still blew that trucker. Nothing can change that now. Sack the fuck up Junior. And birthdays! What in the holy shit, are you kidding me? Because Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate them? Mother fucker I don't celebrate them either but I know what the fuck one is.

Because further delving in to this will cause my brain to hemorrhage, I will instead just reveal law number two that I will enact once I am Emperor of Earth:

If you are offended by something that someone says and you whine about it, you will receive one free kick to the face.