Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Star Wars 3D rant

Ah Star Wars. What can be said that hasn't been said before a million times? I, like many unfortunate souls, was born just a bit too late to be able to see the original movies in the theaters. I was forced to wait for them to show up on my stolen HBO and hit record on the VCR so I could finally have in my possession the greatest story ever told.
My childhood like many others' was filled with dreams of flying around in the Millennium Falcon and waving around a sword made of light that could cut through anything! The Force! I knew it wasn't real, but if I pretended just enough, it sure felt real.
And it was enough.

We had Star Wars, we had Indiana Jones, the Berlin wall fell and everything was good in the world. Then rumors started to circulate that maybe, just maybe, The Master might bless us with another 3 Star Wars movies! "FUCK YES!" childhood me said. Years went by and I mentally masturbated to the mere thought of NEW Star Wars movies coming out until it was announced that not only would EPISODE ONE(!!!!!) come out in 1999, but in 1997 he would re-release The Holy Trilogy back on the big screen! I could've lost my virginity in a Jenny McCarthy-Carmen Electra love sandwich and not been any happier. I was going to see STAR WARS in a theater!!!! What more could anyone (ANY-FUCKING-ONE MR. LUCAS!) want??

Well as we know Mr. Lucas had at some point during the early 90's been replaced with a fucking pod person, or an evil clone, or a big hairy bearded man who ate the original George Lucas. Either way, what we got was some fat hippie fuck who had in his mind to collectively ass rape the childhood memories of every kid born between 1960 and 1985. He had the power to do it too. He started right away with trying to tell us that Greedo not only shot first, but that he shot at all! The mother fucker got WAXED in the original, there was no "Oh, Han shot first" bullshit, there was just "Han fucked Greedo in the face with his blaster so he wouldn't get his ass stuck in carbonite." Pretty simple shit that he had to convert to some sort of hippie bullshit of "Well Greedo shot first and Han was only acting in self defense and also he has SICK fucking reflexes." Um, Mr. Lucas, it already WAS self defense. Being turned over to Jabba the fucking Hutt isn't exactly the same as going to Disneyland. You ever been fucked by a rancor? I thought not.
But, before I delve in to a rant about the aforementioned shitsaucing of one of the greatest scenes in Harrison Ford's illustrious career, I digress.

This was by no means the only change just the most noticeable. Most of us could choke it down for the moment as we were all still too wrapped up about Episode One coming out in 1999! Shit ya! It's going to have Jedi going around fucking shit up and all sorts of awesome shit! What's it called? The Phantom Menace? Hell YES! Sounds wicked!

To the best of my recollection this is what I was thinking during my first viewing of TPM:

-Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes THE CRAWL!!!
-Taxation huh? Whatever FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES
-Did that droid just try to be funny? Hmmm BZZZ BZZZ Oh shit big droid! FUCK YES
-I don't recall aliens talking this annoying. They sound retarded. (little did I know...)
-What in the monkey fuck. Yousa better fuckin die soon.
[mind slowly became numb with rage]
-He built C3PO?
[urge to kill rising]
-Fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes
-Wow Anakin sure is fucking annoying for growing up to be such a bad ass.
-A "pod race"...
-That was fast...
[more rage and hate]
[plotting to assassinate George Lucas]
-R2 can fucking FLY? Why was he such a bitch in Dagobah then?? UGH!
-Gay ending, who cares, the next episode is the Clone Wars, it'll have like 50 Darth Mauls I bet!!!!

Oh George if only it had stopped there. You re-release The Holy Trilogy and fuck with it, THEN you give us a fucking BRUTAL prequel trilogy which is little more than a metaphor for you pulling down your pants and shitting on the chest of every single person that ever loved The Holy Trilogy.
In 2004 you RE-re-released the movies once again showing me that no matter how bad it gets, it can ALWAYS get fucking worse. At that point I was WISHING you would come by and shit on my chest as atleast I would feel a little warmth. You took my inner child and sent him to the prison that those kids in the movie Sleepers get sent to and you never let him out. After that it seemed like every few months you'd release a newer, shittier version of the movies until we finally got to the BluRay version that I refuse to even watch. Ewoks blinking? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

Where is all this leading you may be asking by now. Well if you've made it this far it's because there is hate in your heart. It feels good. Embrace it. Let it flow through you. You know what I'm going to suggest, and even though a small part of you will fight it, you know it to be true.

You must boycott all the 3D movies coming out. Boycott anything and everything Star Wars. Fuck you Volkswagon, fuck you SWTOR the video game, fuck you all!
Some of you might say "Isn't that a bit harsh? I mean, if you don't like all the revisions you can just watch the original movies and be content."
Some of you might also be fucktards. Podperson Lucas has never, not ever never, never never ever never, released the original movies in any type of newer format.
You might say "but they were in the 2006 'special edition' DVDs." To which I would reply: In their old shitty fuck format!! He ripped the 1993 laserdisc master to re-re-re-(re-?)release the originals in a shitty, 4x3 garbage ass bag of fuckery. The Holy Trilogy it most certainly was NOT.
The mother fucker, who in 1988 said before CONGRESS (the worthless bunch of fucks THEY are) :

"American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history... In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten."
has continually raped and pillaged the joys of my childhood until I could take it no longer! DOWN with Lucas! 3D? Really? What are you going to do, make Han and Greedo "hug it out" and then lean towards the audience with a Pepsi in their hand? Go fuck yourself sir. Go fuck yourself in your big pasty ass until a bantha can fit up there. If I were president I would authorize DEVGRU to hit Skywalker Ranch and fucking whack you Osama style. No, I take that back, that'd be way too fucking nice for the shit you've pulled over the past couple decades. I would hook you up to all sorts of tubes to keep you alive, then smash your fat ass in to a 3x3x5 room with giant speakers and force you to listen to Jar Jar Binks narrate Jersey Shore 24/7/365 for the rest of eternity. Then I'd send DEVGRU to kill every person you've ever been close to. I would give Harrison Ford a pass, but he did Indy 4 so fuck him.

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