Monday, March 19, 2012

Blast the Past: Nintendo

In this new segment "Blast the Past" I will take a look back at the things I thought were cool when I was younger and give my updated "adult" perspective on them.
First up: This advertisement for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

I just can't believe this made it to publication. Did no one even look at this picture??

#1. Hey, no-soul, why are you looking at the side of the fracking TV? That's not where Mario is played.
#2. This poor bastard is probably doing the best acting job of them all. Glazed over eyes showing feigned interest in his children's activities whilst barely managing a smirk. Seems like how I remember my own father watching me play Nintendo as a child.
#3. Where in the bloody-nose-that-just-won't-stop are you looking at?? You are in a weird purple room with nothing in it but a stupid TV on a tiny table. Pay attention!! Also, what is with your smile? I went through and counted hands, no one there has a finger up your ass so tone it down about nine notches would ya?
#4. For some reason this smile just looks creepy to me. Almost sadistic.
#5. What the Jack Kevorkian is Mario doing? Don't do it man! You can jump over or even on the goombas, no need to jump back to the left, into the pit. To your death. Wait a second...
#6. Well we know it's not Ginger McGee here murdering Mario as he is actively pushing right on the d-pad. Wait, why are you pretending to play when it's not your turn? I guess at least you are pushing the proper button for jump...
#7. Hmm, you could potentially be pressing left on the d-pad, and you are also jumping like your step (or is it half?) brother... OK, we will throw you a bone and assume it is you murdering Mario as it helps explain #4.
#8. What the... why is the gun up here? There are only two plug-ins. You're just being stupid now.
#9. The fu... either the game isn't in or you own TWO Mario games. This family is getting on my nerves.
#10. THE POWER IS OFF?!? Does no one check thi... ARGFG!
#11. I've owned a multitude of NES's in my day and not a one has EVER been able to hide it's cables that well. You really expect me to believe that the power cord and that big ass stupid cable thing with the grey rectangle on it (not to mention the audio cables) is hidden neatly in that tiny space? Eat it Nintendo. You've lost me completely. You asshats have just dumped a bunch of crap on a desk, told four idiots to stand around it and snapped a picture. How lazy can you get??
#12. This doesn't pertain to the ridiculousness of the ad, but just kind of makes me laugh. Age 8. Isn't that cute? Kids are now born with an iPhone up their butt, but back in the day? Well this fancy shmancy stuff is probably best reserved for 8 and older.

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