Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pull Out of Citibank Now!!!

If you have an account at Citibank, I suggest you look elsewhere for a place to hold on to your hard earned money. Some AWOL jackass from the Army managed to get access to Paul Allen's (yes, that Paul Allen) bank account at Citibank (well, one of them).

Paul. Allen.

Not some regular joe like you or I that has a few grand in our account. A guy who Forbes estimates is worth 14+ billion! Also, this wasn't some hacker collective pulling off a huge swindle. It was literally a lone jackass who apparently made a couple phone calls and boom, was a billionaire.

What does he do first with his new found riches? Well he paid 700 dollars to one of his loans of course, because as we all know the first rule of stealing something is to immediately link it to yourself in an incredibly damning way.

I wish that was the most ridiculous thing with this story. Alas:
Surveillance footage also captured him attempting purchases at a video game store and a dollar store, authorities alleged.
He stole access to likely millions of dollars and he tries to buy VIDEO GAMES!

"Fuck yeah I can finally afford that 60 dollar video game and the dollar candy from the dollar store!" said the idiot right before Paul Allen's private army robot ninja assassins caught him.

[Note: Apparently Mr. Allen does not in fact have a private army of robot ninja assassins. I'm not sure what the hell the point of being a billionaire is without one.]

1 comment:

  1. Now that's High Life taste on Cristal money.

    Besides, Paul Allen was too busy racing the world's fastest yacht, or riding on his enormous coastliner with a helipad and two submarines, to hire robot ninja assassins.