Monday, April 16, 2012

Feeding Tube "Diet"...


Is this really where we are as a society? REALLY? Sigh... the first paragraph:
Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.
First off, why the fuck are you buying a "dream wedding gown" that doesn't fucking fit? Are you retarded? My wife gets pissed off at me when I buy a pair of jeans without trying them on first yet you go out and purposefully purchase a wedding dress that doesn't fit and then stress out over it? What-the-fuck over? I understand that as a society we put immense pressure on women to look good and be thin and blah blah blah, but nowhere on Earth has any man ever said, "I love you, I want to marry you, but try to be ten pounds lighter on our wedding day. I want our kids to be able to look back and see that their daddy wasn't always a chubby-chaser." So this idiocy can not in any way be blamed on the male sex.

I also understand that women hold the wedding day to a much, much, much higher level of significance than men do, however, I don't understand how lying to yourself makes you feel better. That's all this is, lying to yourself. I put the ring on your finger, I know how much you weigh and what you look like, so does your maid of honor and your parents and everybody else at the wedding. You purging ten pounds off your body for a short time to be able to take pictures is just the epitome of ridiculousness. 97.8547% of all males on Earth prefer a woman who is comfortable with herself and confident. No real man wants a woman so self conscious that she has to go through elaborate mechanisms just to trick her future-self that her past-self wasn't really a lazy pile. And I'm just talking about regular old fashioned gimmick diets that just dehydrate you for a short time. This particular "diet" is a whole new level of crazy.

How lazy must you be, that you would pay $1,500 dollars to have bad breath, constipation and oh yeah, a feeding tube shoved up your nose for 10 days, just to lose ten or twenty pounds in the short term?

But SGT Awesome, it's not short term. Once I lose the weight, I'll totally keep it off for good. It's just the initial loss that is tough to do! - says every lazy person ever who wants to argue the above point with me.

Uh, no assclown, if you don't change your lifestyle, your life won't change you jackass. If you want to be fit/in shape/not a fat ass, you have to work at it. If you continue to be the typical lazy, fat-ass American, it doesn't matter how long you starve yourself, once you stop and go back to your routine of stuffing your face and laying around, you will blow back up into the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Bride.

But SGT Awesome, I do work out/eat right and I just can't get this ten pounds off! - says people who just like to argue.

Yes, that is correct, because you aren't changing anything! Why would you expect to see change, if you don't change? Without cause, there is no effect!

It really isn't that tough. There are basically two simple rules to follow and you can be whatever weight you want to be.

#1: Stop stuffing your big fat face with a ton of shitty food. (In layman terms: Eat a healthy, balanced diet and watch your portions!)

#2: Get off your fat, lazy ass! (In layman terms: Get off your fat, lazy ass and fucking exercise!)

Boom, done. Follow those two basic rules and you'll add five years to your life guaranteed or your money back! I'll even throw in a bonus rule:

#3. If you ever feel like paying $1,500 dollars to lose 10lbs in 10 days, send me a check for $750 dollars and I'll punch you in the face.

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