Tuesday, April 24, 2012

North Dakota Trumps Its Own Absurdity

Sigh... I just... I just don't know what is wrong with North Dakota. It is like they are living in a completely different world than the rest of us. (Of course by us I mean sane people.)

It seems as though there is a competition going on in the state as to who can be more, well, out of touch.

The first shot was fired from Bismarck via the North Dakota Tourism Board... or some other group of idiots who probably spend nine months out of the year in Arizona. It's impressive level of absurdity immediately skyrocketed it in to the national spotlight where it was appropriately mocked.

As you can see above, our state was essentially saying if you visit North Dakota, a bevy of willing courtesans will please you in ways that are likely illegal in whatever pathetic puritan state you hail from. Needless to say, it was embarrassing.

Next up came Maryln Hagerty's review of The Olive Garden. This was just a kind hearted old lady rambling on mindlessly about her lunch for the three people she plays bridge with. Normally no big deal as they are the only three who read her column, but somehow someone got a hold of it and it immediately spread like wildfire. Grand Forks was now the torchbearer for North Dakotan absurdity.

Grand Forks however has not been sitting idle, secure in their mantle of stupidity; in the last couple weeks their city council has imposed a brand new law licencing and managing what is or is not a "sex shop," and where, when and how they can operate. This may not sound that odd (because you come from Utah?) but you might raise an eyebrow once you hear that this came about because three months prior, the City Attorney signed off on all permits and zoning for a lingerie shop to open, and now people were complaining that their children might see it so they then enacted this broad law.

Normally I'd be fellating the barrel of a shotgun right now trying to find the courage to end the pain, but last night I saw something on TV so painful that I am left simply as a numb shell, no longer able to process thoughts or feelings. I present to you, the Queens of Colonoscopy:

Congratulations must now go to the city of Lisbon, ND. Now whenever I am asked where I am from, instead of responding with North Dakota, proud of my Mid-Western work ethic and common sense, I will instead punch the asker in the throat and walk away thinking about how nice those people have it in Afghanistan...

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